Today, I reflect on my journey, and realized that I have come some distance. I know I still have a long way to go, more roads to travel, more paths to cross, but I was surprised at how far I have come in the last 5 months since I've lost my baby Joshua. At first I thought I would be traveling this road alone, but I soon found out that I am not alone...I have someone to hold my hand along the way...someone who is familiar with road!
There are days when I feel so much peace knowing that Joshua is in better place...a place where he is happy, healthy, and with our Lord. Then there are days when I am left with so much pain from not having Joshua, that I feel like my heart will burst from the pain. I know that I can not escape my sorrow and grief forever. These unexpected emotions are much like the waves and storms that I've experienced in the beginning of this journey. Waking to the impending storm is unnerving, but this time, I at least know what is ahead...I try to prepare myself for the force of the waves that will batter my body and soul.
Each that that I am able to survive the waves and storm is a good day. Today, I survived it...hopefully tomorrow will be the same....but no matter what I know that I have to survive the day. What other choice do I have? I just wonder how much longer I have to endure this pain of grief...I am weary and tired. I will continue to weather the storms and the waves that hit the shore of my heart, for the sake of my other children. They are my peace now. I try to hold on to the feeling of peace as long as I can. The lightness and love I feel from them is promising.
I pray that God will continue to sing the promise of happiness and laughter in my heart, so that I too could be alive again. I must always remember that life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain!
