Hole in my heart...1 Year of Missing my Dad!

It's been a year since I have been on this journey of grief.  It's been filled with many emotional peaks and waves. There are days when I often find myself missing my Dad so very much. The sadness still comes along once in awhile, but the joy in the memories I have of him is so dear that it gently pushes aside the sadness. With me always are the wonderful memories we have together, and the way he helped to shape the woman I am today.

On the days when I am really missing him, I find that it helps me to write down my thoughts and feelings...releasing a flood of emotions to help me cope this intense pain that throbs inside my chest!

How do I remember my dad....Tall and proud. My dad was a big man (literally, he was about 6'2) with a thick head of wavy black hair, twinkling eyes, an infectious laugh, and had the deepest voice. To meet him was to like him instantly, since he was always so warm and accepting, very social, full of knowledge, and of course, a big joker. 

My earliest memories of my Dad are ones filled with the innocent wonder that only the young possess. He was like a king to me...this perfect, big man who could swoop me up in a bear hug so big and strong, I wouldn’t be able to see through his embrace. He was so big and strong and powerful, that I just assumed he was my own personal jungle gym and swing set. My favorite spots was usually on his lap or up on his shoulders. 

A typical Daddy’s Girl, my dad was my biggest ally and supporter! I could always depend on him to be there for me. I am thankful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful and loving father! 

Dear Dad, 

"Even though my heart aches, There's a smile on my face. Just like a window to heaven, There's a light shining through.

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go...There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you!"

I love you and I miss you so much Dad! Give Baby Joshua a big hug and kiss for me! 

-Song: "The Shape of You" by Jewel

Dreaming of you...

7 long months have past since God called my dad home. I never really got a chance to say good bye to my Father or tell him how much I love him, and what he ment to me. Last night I had a dream of him, and in my dream I knew it was my chance to let him know. 

In my dream, I was in a crowded room full of people, and as I was about to leave, I glanced over to my right and saw my dad sitting. He looked at me and smiled. I wave and smile back, but didn't approach him at first. A few minutes later, something inside me told me to go to my dad. It was such an intense feeling, one that I can't really describe, nor ignore!

I ran to my dad and wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight. I told him every thing that was in my heart, and repeated several times, "Dad, I love you! Please don't leave until I get back!" He held me and never said a word...he just had this peaceful look on his face, smiling back at me. The warmth of his embrace felt so good, and I felt so safe and secure around it.  It was at that very moment, I knew I had to finally let go of him, even though I didn't want to. I gave my dad one last look and kiss and told him once again that I loved him. He smiled again at me, but this time I heard the sound of his deep voice saying, "I know Anna, I love you too!" As I slowly walked away from him, something inside me knew that that was the last time I would see him, hold him, and hear his voice. With each step I took, I kept looking back at him to make sure he was still there...until finally he was gone! 

I woke up at first feeling well rested and thinking "Finally, I was able to get that much needed sleep!" For the past few weeks, I was having such a hard time sleeping, and last night was the first good night sleep I had. It wasn't until the kids and hubby left for school and work, that I remembered my dream...and that's when tears began to fall...tears of happiness that I saw my dad again, and tears if sadness, because I knew it was good-bye for now. 

Dad, I love you and miss you immensely! I can't wait until I can be with you and Joshua again. See you in my dreams for now!

Missing you Dad...

I often find myself missing my Dad so very much. The sadness still comes along, but the joy in the memories I have of him is so dear, that it gently pushes aside the sadness. I keep with me always, all the wonderful memories and the way he helped to shape my character, morals, and all that I am today!

I love you and miss you dearly Dad!

Goodbye 2013 & Hello 2014

December 31st...Today is New Year's Eve. The very last day of the year 2013. I am anticipating saying goodbye and leaving it behind with both regret and relief. Much like the year 2007, 2013 has provided me with some of the best and worst days and experiences of my life. It has been filled with lots of laughter, as well as tears! I can thank 2013 for the good health and safe protection that was given to my children Brianna and Joseph, my husband Jose, and everyone in our family. I am thankful for all the memories made and most of all, I am also thankful for my new nephew and birthday buddy Noah.  Despite being thankful for all the good memories that 2013 has brought, I am relieved to also say goodbye to the year 2013, for it has given me and my family this intense pain and grief of losing my father! For now I guess it's going to have to have to hurt. I'm going to have to let go of some things I loved, in order to get to the other side...sometimes moving on starts with goodbye! Although 2013 left me with another scar in my heart, it has also taught me how to be stronger again! As the New Year begins, I continue to thank the Lord for all the blessings and trials and pray that the new year will be a year filled with peace, love, happiness, and abundance of joy for all of us! Goodbye 2013 and Hello 2014!

Joshua's 6th Heavenly Birthday

It has been six years...six painful years since I held my son Joshua for the first and last time. I often look back and to this day, I can still see it all so clearly...I can still feel the heartaches I felt of losing him. How I miss him so much! 

Today, as Joshua celebrates his 6th birthday in heaven with our Lord and with my dad, I can only imagine how beautiful and glorious it must be. I am sure Joshua is thrilled that his Lolo Bert is finally with him so they can celebrate together. How I wish, if only in my dreams tonight, I could get a glimps of just how wonderful and happy they must be celebrating Joshua's 6th Heavenly Birthday! I imagine my dad, with his big deep voice, singing the birthday song to Josh, as the angels gather around and join him in chorus! I know Joshua's heart is full of joy, as he listens to his Lolo sing to him. 

Forever and always, my heart will be full of grief of not having my son with me. Our family will never be complete until we are all reunited together in Heaven! 

For now, I must be content with sending my love, my hugs, my kisses, and my birthday greetings to my son Joshua through letters to Heaven.

Happy 6th Heavenly Birthday Joshua! 

We love you and miss you with all our hearts! Give your Lolo Bert a big hug and kiss from us and let him know how much we miss him too!

 

A Mother's Love (Author Unknown)

I didn't have to look into your eyes 

to fall in love with you. 

I didn't have to hear you cry 

To know you loved me too. 

I didn't need to hold your hand 

To cherish you always 

Within my womb, we shared our hearts. 

You touched my soul. 

You sweetened my spirit. 

You gave me memories I'll always hold dear. 

Yes my heart aches since you departed so soon. 

But a mother's love does not end with death. 

For you are my child. 

Forever my love is yours. 

Measurement of a great father

Almost 3 months has passed since I lost my dad...three months of grief, three months of pain, and three months of disbelief. I miss him so much, that there are times when memories of him flood my mind and then out of nowhere, the waterworks of tears begin. 

My heart aches, as I recall every detail of his final hours...it is as if I am re-watching a movie over and over again. Despite already knowing how the movie will end, a part of me wishes the ending would change...but alas, I know this is impossible. I can never go back and tell him how much I love him, how thankful I am for all his love and wisdom, and how lucky I am to have had him as my dad!

They say that...

"A man's worth is measured by how he parents his children. What he gives them, what he keeps away from them, the lessons he teaches and the lessons he allows them to learn on their own.

Thankfully, there is no measurement great enough to measure the worth of my father!"

I love you and miss you dearly Dad!

Save A Place For Me

"Save A Place For Me"
By Matthew West

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good
To have the weight of this world
Off Your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with You

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had You here
So You just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there

I wanna live my life just like You did
And make the most of my time just like You did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like You did, oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad

 

Dad's 1st Heavenly Birthday!

Dad,

 

I can't believe its been 53 days since you've been gone. Words cannot express how deeply I miss you, and the turmoil my heart feels has been unbearable. As much as I miss you, I am thankful that you are no longer in pain. You have a new heavenly body and you are with our Lord Jesus. I love trying to picture you running into the arms of Jesus, and hearing Him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant! Today you will be with Me in paradise!"

 

Today, will be the first of many...Today, you celebrate your first heavenly birthdays with Jesus in Heaven. I can only imagine what a glorious celebration that will be! I imagine baby Joshua running into your arms, singing "Happy Birthday Lolo!" Then he would tell you that next month, it will be his turn to celebrate his 6th Heavenly Birthday and how excited he is that you will be there! It's these happy thoughts that run inside my mind, that helps me get through each day without you both by my side. Today you would have celebrated your 67th birthday. How I wish we could be together again, so I can tell you how much I love you and how thankful I am to have you as my dad! I guess for now, I must send my love and birthday hugs and kisses to you in heaven.

 

The next few months will be rough for all of us, as we will be experiencing our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without you...without your jokes, without your laughs, and without your hugs. It just won’t be the same without you by our side. 

 

Happy 67th Birthday and Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Dad!

 

I miss you more than words can ever express, and I can’t wait until we see each other again. I love you Dad!

*P.S. The day started out gloomy and rainy. I guess it was God's way of reminding me that life isn't about waiting for storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain. Thanks for asking God to let the sun come out so we can visit your grave to decorate for your birthday! I hope you and Joshua had fun chasing after the balloons we sent you! 

 

♥I love you♥

The Bend on the road...

When someone you love dies there is no fixing that immense grief we experience. Someday, I hope I will be able to live with the grief, instead of living in the grief. 

I miss my son and my dad every day...for the rest of my life, I will miss them, until I see their faces and hear their sweet voice in Heaven. For the rest of my life, I will miss them, until I can wrap my arms around them and stand in their presence in eternal rest and say, "I missed you both  so much!"

I've learned to just say "thank you," when I hear people try to comfort me with words, thinking it will ease my pain. Saying things like "They are in a better place";  "He's not suffering anymore"; "Life goes on"; "Now you have your own angel";"Time heals all wounds!" When I hear these words, it simply diminishes my grief. I know that is not their intent...it's simply a way to not only try and make me feel better, but to also make that person feel better as well.

In my previous post entitled "My Never Ending Grief," I write about how the minute you think you’re over something, the emotions starts all over again...just like the waves in the ocean, there will be days when it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over me and knocks me off my feet, takes my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning. This is when I have to let the waves wash over me, because I know it will eventually recede and I will again be able to regain my footing.

The pain I feel of losing my dad, brought back all the painful memories I had of not being able to hold my son Joshua. To this day, it still takes my breath away...for this is the nature of grief.

Through this journey, I've learned that finding new joy and happiness, will not cause me to stop loving and grieving for my dad and son. The Bible says that there are three things in life that last forever...faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love. Love goes on forever.The same is true of faith and hope. By choosing to live in these three, helps us to make sense of the chaos we call life...It makes even the grief we experience just a little bit bearable!

"A bend on the road is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make a turn!"

For now, my journey continues...I will not let a bend on the road stop me from loving life, and having faith and hope that one day, I will be with the Lord, with my dad, and with my son in Heaven.

Birthday blues...

Dear Dad,

Tonight as I prepare to lay down and go to sleep, thoughts of you are running through my mind…Tomorrow, will be the first birthday I will experience without you here by my side. I am not certain how the day will go without seeing your smiling face, or hearing your voice singing “Happy birthday!"

Had I known that this would be our last year I would have you here with me to celebrate, I would have done all I could have to cherish every moment we had. I would have told you how much I love you, and how blessed I was to have you as my father...But we cannot know what tomorrow will bring.

I know you are finally at peace and living without pain, and with our Lord in heaven, which is a blessing I am truly very grateful for. So when I awake tomorrow, I will do so with the memory of the sound of your voice singing “happy birthday” running though my mind….I will close my eyes to remember your warm embrace and I will know that you are here with me in spirit as I celebrate the day of my birth….

I love you and I miss you dearly Dad!

All my love always,
Anna-Lizza

The Broken Chain

 

The Broken Chain

 

We little knew that morning that 

God was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly, 

in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone;

 For God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

Your love is still our guide.

And though we cannot see you, 

You are always at our side. 

Our family chain is broken,

And nothing seems to be the same.

But as God calls us one by one,

The chain will link again.

                                                                 -By Ron Tanmer 

 

My first love...my dad!

Dear Dad,

You are the first man that I ever loved. You are my hero. Your arms were the first place where I felt safe and protected. 

Thank you for listening to me. Being able to share with you and show you my vulnerability has been so important for my development as a woman. You have known when to offer me advice and when to simply wipe my tears. 

Thank you for being a loving shoulder to cry on when my heart has gotten broken, and a hand to high five to celebrate when I achieve a dream. 

I will forever love you and miss you! Until we are reunited in heaven...

P.S. Please give baby Joshua big hug and kiss for me! 

In Memory of my Dad

In Loving Memory of my Dad

 Roberto B. Concepcion, Sr.

Born: October 9, 1946 @ 12:00pm

Manila Philippines

Died: August 16, 2013 @ 1:38am

Los Angeles, California

Internment:
Forest Lawn Memorial Parks: Hollywood Hills, California
Internment Information

"Today you will be with Me in Paradise!"

                              -Luke 23:43

When God saw you getting tired

And a cure was not to be

He put His arms around you

And whispered, "Come to Me."

He didn't like what you went through

And He gave you rest.

His garden must be beautiful

He only takes the best.

And when we saw you sleeping

So peaceful and free from pain

We wouldn't wish you back

To suffer that again

Today we say goodbye

And as you take your final rest

That garden must be beautiful 

Because you are one of the best!