Never Grow Up...Happy Birthday Brianna

To Our Little Girl Brianna...

Each year, your dad and I have the privilege of celebrating the day you came into our lives! We feel incredibly lucky to be your Mom & Dad! On your birthday, may God continue to guide you in your every step and ...may beauty and happiness surround you today and always. We hope you know how much we love you and that no matter how old you are, you will always be our little girl!

 

Happy 12th Birthday Brianna!

Time passing by...

Seems like only yesterday when I held their little hands...time is passing by so quickly! How quickly they are growing up!

Growing up too fast...

They say time flies when your having fun! Yesterday, while shopping for groceries, Brianna found a box full of giant stuff animals! She immediately began rummaging through, trying to find her favorite animals...dinosaurs, wolves, and alligators! 

As she digs through the pile, I couldn't help but watch my pre-teen enjoy herself. Her child-like mentality was still so innocent! Then I began to realize that she is growing up right before my eyes. It seemed like only yesterday, when I vividly recall a little baby girl barely learning how to walk and talk, and now all of a sudden, here she is, growing up to be a young lady. Where did the time go? Before I know it, she'll be going to high school, and then college. I wanted to so desperately slow time down, and just cherish this moment...watching her still act like a child, with no cares in the world.

From a distance, I can hear her laughing as she piles her favorite ones on top of her. Then I hear her sweet voice say, "Mom...can I take them home with us?" We laugh and at that moment, this was an image and memory I wanted to capture forever...I snapped the picture not only in my memory, but also in digital, so that one day, when she is much older, we can reminisce on the fun we have.

After taking the picture, I am slowly pulled back into reality and realize that it was time to finish what we came there to do, and that playtime was now over. Hopefully, it won't be too long, until we have another moments like this! 

Brianna, please don't grow up too fast! Your dad and I still want to enjoy watching you grow! :)

Happy 9th Birthday to my Daughter BRIANNA

I am so grateful and thankful that I have you as a daughter. No matter how many birthdays may come and go, you'll always be my little girl. With each passing year, you grow sweeter and more beautiful than ever. I feel so blessed that God gave me a daughter like you and I am so very proud to have you as my daughter.

Thank you for being a wonderful daughter, and for giving me so many reasons to smile, Thanks for our on-the-go fun times together, and times we just talk and relax for a while. Thank you for the many hugs and kisses you give me everyday, and for always letting me know that you appreciate me...Most of all, thank you for showing me all through the years, that I'm the luckiest mommy there ever could be.

Happy 9th Birthday to my pride and joy.

My Daughter's Birthday

Our little girl celebrated her 8th birthday today. It seem like only yesterday, when I first held her in my arms and thinking what a wonderful blessing she is. Each passing day, each passing year, we watch her grow and play. She is growing up so fast, and I just want it to last. I want to enjoy every little second with her and cherish all the memories we make together. Her father and I hope that she knows how much we love her. Through every smile and every tear, and every cry that brings fear, we will be with her always.

On this day, eight years ago, you were born. It was the most glorious day of my life...knowing you has changed me. Brianna, you are our fairy tale ending come true. We pray that God will continue to bless your life and keep you safe always. Most of all, we pray that you will walk with us In step...as we go, so that we can guide you and be there for you always. Daddy and I love you very much. Happy 8th Birthday!

Draw Me a Picture

By Joseph (Drew @ Age 5)


By Brianna (Drew @ Age 6)


Even before the development of speech, drawing offers children a means of self-expression and also allows them to explore ideas and feelings. Children's drawings are truthful representations of the world as they know it, and they communicate creative and imaginative thoughts and feelings through the pictures they draw.

While organizing some my file cabinet, I found several drawings that my children have done over the they years. It brings back memories of when they were little, and just barely learning to hold a pencil or a crayon. Their first pictures were scribbles of lines and zigzags. It is only through the little notes on the sides that I can make out what Brianna or Joseph's picture was about. Then there are the "tadpole" drawings, where parts of a face, a feet a nose, and eyes begin to emerge. Presently, the images and figures are more advanced. The images are a little bit more clearer and a little bit more recognizable, and I can recognize if it's a drawing of a boy or a girl. Clothings are now visible, and take the place of the body, and the arms and legs are longer. It's so much fun to see the different stages of their drawings.

I came across these two pictures that Brianna and Joseph made for me last year. I love it when my kids makes me a special drawing of our family, especially when Joshua is included in the picture. It brings joy and tears to my heart that Brianna and Joseph remember their baby brother. It was important for my husband and I to keep the memory alive of our baby Joshua, by visiting his grave with the kids and letting them be a part of the visit by helping to choose the flowers or toys we bring to his grave.

Tattoo

I miss my baby Joshua so much. I know I say this all the time, but it's true...I really do miss him. Living my life without Joshua is not easy. It is one of the most challenging thing ever asked of me.

As summer slowly begins to fade into fall, I'm finding that all the painful memories seems nearly impossible to forget. 2 more months, and we will be what would have been Joshua's 1st birthday! I wasn't sure what or how to celebrate it...I have two more long months before those memories can be found on a calendar page.

I cannot even begin to describe the agony and the aches that fills me inside. I feel sick with grief of not having my son in my arms...I am covered with an unshakable melancholy, longing to hold Joshua one more time...then out of no where, this image of a heart with Joshua's name and a halo has surrounded my thoughts. What could this image mean...after it all sinks in, I knew that I had to finally dive in, and get a tattoo for Joshua, for Brianna, and for Joseph...A tattoo with my babies' names...to declare my undying love for my children.

It's only fitting that if I'm going to get a tattoo, it should be a tattoo for my kids.

The Best and Worst Year of My Life

The year of 2007 was the best and worst year of my life. I would like to look back and remember all the excitement, love, worry and sadness I experienced.

March 20- Brianna celebrates her 5th birthday.

May 13- Joseph celebrates his 4th birthday,

May 23- Jose celebrates his 36th birthday. We think we conceived Joshua Matthew on his daddy's birthday!

June 25- Confirmed that I was pregnant with Joshua and saw my precious baby's heartbeat for the first time on the ultrasound! I remember hearing the fast gallop of Joshua's tiny heart.

July 13- My youngest sister Christina and Phil gets married.

July 23- Got into a car accident. After this day, I feel like everything went south.

August 10- Got the worst news about my pregnancy and my baby's chances of survival. I was diagnosed with Oligohydramnious (low amniotic fluid). Despite the doctors advice on terminating the pregnancy, we decided to leave it up to God and prayed for a miracle.

September 18- Had an amniocentesis done to rule out any genetic defects.

September 30- Celebrated my 31st birthday

October 3- Received good news from the amniocentisis. We found out that our baby's chromosomes were normal and we also found out that we were having a little BOY! We named him Joshua Matthew.

November 14- Today, we found out the Christina was pregnant. I also went in for my OB appt. Received the worst news of all...that my baby Joshua started to develop fluids in his brain, and that I was leaking a lot of fluid. I was sent to the hospital to have labor induced. I was only 27 weeks pregnant. The doctors told me that my precious baby would probably not survive the labor and if he did, he would only live a very short while. Labor was induced at 6:00pm.

November 15- At 12:28am my precious Joshua was born sleeping. He weighed 1 lb 8 oz and was 10 inches long. My whole family was present in the birthing room and experienced all the joy and then sadness that we all felt of losing Joshua. We held my our precious baby. Held him, hugged him, kissed him, told him we love him and then at 3:30am the doctors finally took our baby Joshua's body for an autopsy.

November 16- Jose and I had to break the news to Brianna and Joseph that their baby brother died and went to heaven. My parents and Jose went to Forest Lawn to prepare Joshua's funeral.

November 20- Saw my precious baby's body again for the first time before the prayer service began. I wanted to take him out of his little coffin, to hold him and pray that all this was just a dream.

November 21- We had a memorial service for Baby Joshua at Forest Lawn-Hollywood Hills. All the love and support we received from friends, families, and co-workers gave us a brief moment of peace...this was also the first I had felt Joshua's presence since his death.

November 22 - Our first Thanksgiving without Joshua. This day was so difficult. I cried and cried so many tears. I tried to be thankful for what I have: for Brianna, for Joseph, for Jose and for my family.

November 24- Jose and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. Although we didn't feel like celebrating, we did because it was our love with God's blessing the Joshua was created, so we went to watch "Wicked."

December 5- Jose and I went to pick out Joshua's memorial tablet...it's beautiful. I can't wait till they install it on his grave.

December 25 - Our first Christmas without Joshua. This day was more difficult than Thanksgiving. We had so many vision's of what this day would be like, and they all included our baby Joshua. I shed so many tears on this day. I also felt Joshua's presence and became joyous in celebrating Christ's life along with my baby Joshua.

December 31- Today is New Years Eve. The very last day of the year 2007. I am anticipating this year leave with both regret and relief. This year has provided me with some of the best days and experiences of my life.

I can thank 2007 for the good health that was given to Brianna, Joseph, Jose and everyone in my family. I am also thankful for the memories of being pregnant and watching Joshua grow inside me. I am thankful for the year 2007, for allowing me to know what it is like to plan a life around becoming a parent for the third time.

Despite being thankful for all the good memories that 2007 brought, I must also curse the year 2007 for giving me this intense pain and grief that I feel of losing my baby Joshua. The year 2007 is the year our baby Joshua died and our lives changed forever.

I have experienced the deepest of sorrow and the strongest of love this year. I have felt and truly understand deeply the love a parent feels for their child. I have felt a sense of peace that comes from the love and prayers from families and friends and I have gained new friends that understand my grief and heartache. I wish I did not know what it is like to see the world through a veil of sorrow. I have cried more tears than anyone should cry in a lifetime. I have learned this year what it is to lose a child.

Good bye to the 2007. The best and worst year of my life. I pray to God that this New Year will be a better one for my family. I pray that 2008 will not be filled with any more pain, sorrow, and death. Most of all, I pray that 2008 will bring and be filled with new life, hope and peace for each and everyone of us.