Time passing by...

Seems like only yesterday when I held their little hands...time is passing by so quickly! How quickly they are growing up!

Joshua's 6th Heavenly Birthday

It has been six years...six painful years since I held my son Joshua for the first and last time. I often look back and to this day, I can still see it all so clearly...I can still feel the heartaches I felt of losing him. How I miss him so much! 

Today, as Joshua celebrates his 6th birthday in heaven with our Lord and with my dad, I can only imagine how beautiful and glorious it must be. I am sure Joshua is thrilled that his Lolo Bert is finally with him so they can celebrate together. How I wish, if only in my dreams tonight, I could get a glimps of just how wonderful and happy they must be celebrating Joshua's 6th Heavenly Birthday! I imagine my dad, with his big deep voice, singing the birthday song to Josh, as the angels gather around and join him in chorus! I know Joshua's heart is full of joy, as he listens to his Lolo sing to him. 

Forever and always, my heart will be full of grief of not having my son with me. Our family will never be complete until we are all reunited together in Heaven! 

For now, I must be content with sending my love, my hugs, my kisses, and my birthday greetings to my son Joshua through letters to Heaven.

Happy 6th Heavenly Birthday Joshua! 

We love you and miss you with all our hearts! Give your Lolo Bert a big hug and kiss from us and let him know how much we miss him too!

 

A Mother's Love (Author Unknown)

I didn't have to look into your eyes 

to fall in love with you. 

I didn't have to hear you cry 

To know you loved me too. 

I didn't need to hold your hand 

To cherish you always 

Within my womb, we shared our hearts. 

You touched my soul. 

You sweetened my spirit. 

You gave me memories I'll always hold dear. 

Yes my heart aches since you departed so soon. 

But a mother's love does not end with death. 

For you are my child. 

Forever my love is yours. 

Save A Place For Me

"Save A Place For Me"
By Matthew West

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good
To have the weight of this world
Off Your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with You

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had You here
So You just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there

I wanna live my life just like You did
And make the most of my time just like You did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like You did, oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad

 

The Bend on the road...

When someone you love dies there is no fixing that immense grief we experience. Someday, I hope I will be able to live with the grief, instead of living in the grief. 

I miss my son and my dad every day...for the rest of my life, I will miss them, until I see their faces and hear their sweet voice in Heaven. For the rest of my life, I will miss them, until I can wrap my arms around them and stand in their presence in eternal rest and say, "I missed you both  so much!"

I've learned to just say "thank you," when I hear people try to comfort me with words, thinking it will ease my pain. Saying things like "They are in a better place";  "He's not suffering anymore"; "Life goes on"; "Now you have your own angel";"Time heals all wounds!" When I hear these words, it simply diminishes my grief. I know that is not their intent...it's simply a way to not only try and make me feel better, but to also make that person feel better as well.

In my previous post entitled "My Never Ending Grief," I write about how the minute you think you’re over something, the emotions starts all over again...just like the waves in the ocean, there will be days when it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over me and knocks me off my feet, takes my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning. This is when I have to let the waves wash over me, because I know it will eventually recede and I will again be able to regain my footing.

The pain I feel of losing my dad, brought back all the painful memories I had of not being able to hold my son Joshua. To this day, it still takes my breath away...for this is the nature of grief.

Through this journey, I've learned that finding new joy and happiness, will not cause me to stop loving and grieving for my dad and son. The Bible says that there are three things in life that last forever...faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love. Love goes on forever.The same is true of faith and hope. By choosing to live in these three, helps us to make sense of the chaos we call life...It makes even the grief we experience just a little bit bearable!

"A bend on the road is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make a turn!"

For now, my journey continues...I will not let a bend on the road stop me from loving life, and having faith and hope that one day, I will be with the Lord, with my dad, and with my son in Heaven.

Letters to God...

"You are a letter...written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God."
~ 2 Corinthians 3:3 NIV
They say that our lives are often shaped by the stories we hear. Whether these stories we are true or not, they have the potential to reach deep down inside us and stir our emotions, provoke our thinking, and influence the course of our lives.

I recently finished watching a faith-based movie called “Letters to God." The movie is about a young boy fighting cancer. Despite his illness, he finds strength and hope by writing letters to God. It is through this little boy's letters that brings and inspire hope and change in his family, his friends and the entire community.

It is an amazing story...so amazing that it reminds me of the time when I lost my son, Joshua. It was a dark time for me. I felt so lost, alone, and betrayed by my God. Then I started writing letters to God...Letters to tell Him how angry I was that He took my son away. Slowly these letters to God became letters asking Him for guidance. Letters asking Him to take away my pain and anger...and then letters asking Him to lead me back to Him. He is such a loving God...despite my anger and pain, He took all those away and began healing my broken heart. He held me in His arms and I felt His presence and I knew that my son was safe in His arms.

You can read these letters by visiting Joshua's Memorial site. Click here: "My Mommy's Prayers."

I know that in the midst of any problems I may be battling, I must always remember to seek God's help, and to thank Him for working in my life. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but with His help and guidance, He is slowly molding me to be the person Jesus intended me to be.

I pray that you too will remember to trust and seek God. We may not always know why things happen in our lives, but Paul tells us: "God is faithful, and He will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing He will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Heal The Wound, But Leave The Scar

I know that I cannot rewrite history or change the past, but I can let God redeem it. We've all made mistakes and have been ashamed of our past failures.

My years of struggling with losing my son Joshua was and is still painful. The pain and wound of losing him felt like gaping emotional wounds. Today, the wound doesn't hurt as much, but there are times when the pain re-emerges, and I feel the wound opening up again. I have made peace with the way my life has worked out. However, I still bear scars from that experience, and I would not want to lose those scars, even if it were possible to do so. Those scars are a reminder of where I have been, and they are proof to others that I survived that experience. If I were to lose the scars, then I would lose the ability to encourage other people who are in the same painful place that I once was.

I am so grateful that the wounds are healed, but I am also grateful that I have the scars to remind myself of how God has healed me, and it is through God’s mercy that I have been forgiven for all the wrongs I have done in the past. Lord, please...Take the pieces of this heart and Heal the wound but leave the scar as a reminder of who I was, who I am, and who You want me to be.

"Heal The Wound"
by Point of Grace"

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Here Comes the Rain Again...

♪♫•*¨*•.¸Here comes the rain again...falling on my head like a memory. Falling on my head like a new emotion♪♫•*¨*•.¸

The always reminds me that "...Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." Often times when the rain begins to fall, it brings a surge of emotions and memories my way. Memories of my wedding day when the rain kept falling and my mom had to use a big garden umbrella to shield me from getting wet. While everyone said that the rain was a blessing...a sign that God is pouring down his blessings on our marriage, all I can remember saying was, "Thank you Lord for pouring down your blessings on this marriage. Now please, make the rain stop, so I don't get wet!" From our house, all the way to the church, the rain kept falling. It was only after the church ceremony was done, when the rain subsided, and everything was wiped clean.

With this memory, you would think that I would associate the rain with happy memories...but sadly, the rain only makes me feel sad. I have heard of people suffering from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Maybe that's what I have. I am self diagnosing my emotions (lol). My husband just laughs (not in a mean way of course), whenever the rain comes and I tell him I have S.A.D.

Today marks the first day of spring, and sure enough here comes the rain. While I try to remember that the rain washes away all things, and makes things clean again, it often makes me want to just stay in bed and sulk. For some reason, when I hear the pitter-patter of the raindrops falling from the sky, I often imagine going out in the rain and just crying my eyes out...maybe because the rain will wash away my tears. I have to remind myself that it can't rain forever and that if I want the rainbow to come out, I've got to put up with the rain.

Heavenly Celebration

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know you’re wondering how I’ll celebrate my 3rd birthday in heaven. I know you’re missing me most today. I feel your essence near.

God planned a special day for me. He told me with a wink. He’d ordered me a special cake (It’s Angel food, I think)

I’m getting lots of hugs from God. He’s really good at that...And every time that I walk by, He gives my head a pat.

Heaven will be filled with balloons or me. They float up through the clouds...And we have lots of clowns up here. That make us laugh out loud.

There is a birthday carousel, jeweled horses ride the wind with music playing oh so sweet…the magic never ends

I’ve made so many friends, you see. We laugh and play and sing. We ride our bikes and play jump rope...and sleep in Angel’s wings.

We’ll have our cake and ice cream, and open gifts, surprise! But we don’t blow out our candles here...Instead, they light the skies.

Love Letters to Heaven

We will be sending our "Love Letters to Heaven" via balloon release tomorrow for Baby Joshua's 3rd Heavenly Birthday. We love you and miss you baby!

"Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to Joshua, happy birthday to me!"

In my mind, I imagine Joshua whispering these words as he gets ready to head to our Lord's heavenly home to celebrate his third heavenly birthday. I can only imagine what God has prepared for my Joshua's birthday. I am sure He has planned a huge party for Joshua in heaven. All the angels and heavenly babies will be there.

As Joshua separates the clouds with his two tiny hands, so he can see the balloons we are sending his way...he sees the tear drops falling on our faces. Joshua ask God, "Why are they crying on my birthday, Jesus? This is a happy day for me!" God takes Joshua's hand and tells him, "Your family misses you very much. Do not worry little one. They will be okay. When it's their time, I will call them home, so that you can all be together again. They love you so much little one!"

Happy Birthday my love. I love you and miss you so much!

Time Passing By

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

I haven't posted in months...honestly I haven't had the time, nor anything in particular to write about. And, since not many read my postings here, I haven't felt as though my dribble would be missed.

Life is heavier than I would like it to be. I find myself overwhelmed by the many roles that I must play on a daily basis. Lately, I don’t have much energy or motivation to do much these days. I had hand surgery 3 weeks ago, and it’s been difficult for me to do just about anything. The stitches finally came out 3 days ago, and while my hand is still recovering, I felt the need to write and release some of the feeling that I have been bottling up inside, even if I have to type with one hand.


It’s been a month since we last visited Joshua’s grave. I’m not sure why I stayed away for so long. We usually visit him every week, but for some unspoken reason, I stayed away…not because I don’t miss him. On the contrary…it’s because I have missed him so much, that being there by his grave side only made me miss him more.

They say time heals all wounds, but I believe that time doesn’t heal anything…time simply passes. It is what we do with our lives while time is passing that either helps us, heals us or keeps us stuck. Don’t get me wrong. It will be almost 3 years since Joshua’s birth and death, and it still doesn't get easier. My heart will always be filled with wonders of what it would have been like to have him here with us. It will always long for my son who is not in my arms. Our lives will never be fully complete without him.

I am amazed at how time can both simultaneously fly by and crawl by at the same time. It’s as if it was only yesterday, when I was pregnant with Joshua…when I gave birth to him and held him in my arms for the first and last time. Yet at the same time, it feels like forever since I last saw his angelic face. There is so much that I very clearly remember about this day three years go; and yet other details are starting to become blurry, despite my best effort to remember everything. Has it really been almost three years? 


I’ve asked myself how will we celebrate Joshua’s 3rd birthday this year? It's a strange thing to figure out how to celebrate the third birthday of your child who is no longer here. I am not sure I will ever feel celebratory on November 15th... bittersweet seems to be more accurate. The bitter reality that Joshua is no longer here, and yet a I carry with me sweet memories of being privileged enough to have been chosen as him mom.

While life remains good, I continue to remind myself to live one day at a time and to put one foot in front of the other. My husband and I are so thankful for Brianna and Joseph…it is because of them that we are forced to live "in the moment" and kept us laughing on the most difficult of days. Our God is so good and even in the midst of our sadness it is so evident that He is working in our families lives. For now, I will continue to ask God to lift my head from the clouds that I find myself in at time. I am faithful that He will, because I know He won't give me more than I can handle, even though it doesn't always feel that way.

Before the Morning...

It's been some time since I last wrote a post...with much content, life has been so full, good, beautiful... but also hard. Joshua's big brother and big sister are getting so big. Summer is here, so they like to be out in the sun. We've visited Joshua several times this summer...although not quite as often I would have liked. We miss him so much.

Last week, the kids and I were watching their birth videos and out of the blue, they started to cry. They asked if I had a video of baby Joshua, but sadly no, because his birth was unexpected. They cried and said that they miss their baby brother. Tears began to fall from my eyes as well. I've learned that although the pain of losing my son is not as intense as it was in the beginning , it is something that will always be there and it will never completely go away. As the years pass, my heart has slowly began to heal, but the pain never goes away. There are days when I find myself gasping for air, but I have accepted and welcomed my circumstances. I love who my circumstances have made me, because it's has helped me to love a little more selflessly with compassion. God gets all the glory because it was all Him! I praise God for all He has done to help me get through these difficulties, and for what He has accomplished in me. He has blessed me beyond what I could think or even hope for.

I saw this passage from Romans 5:1-5 and I really think it describes what my trials have done for me.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."


I know there are other like me who are going through difficult circumstances and I just wanted to take the time and encourage them with the lyrics to this song I heard today. I can testify- that every word in this song is true, so hang in there.

Click here to listen watch and listen to "Before the Morning"

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Gifts of Love...

It has been raining these past few days, and I must admit that I don't mind it at all...the rain hides the tears I cry for my son Joshua. It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years and 3 months since he went to heaven. February was his original due date. February 10th to be exact. A baby born out of love.

Today, the rain finally ceased, for the moment at least, and the rainbow was out for all to admire it's beautiful colors. As much as I wanted to stay inside my "nest" (that's what my husband refers to when I'm snug in bed), where it's nice and warm, and just cuddle with my kids, I decided that it would be a good day to come out and feel the warm sun on my face.



We gathered the Valentine decorations we bought for Joshua, and decided to start celebrating Valentine's Day early. My hubby and the kids visited our angel in heaven, and decorated his grave with hearts and flowers. The kids were so inspired that they even offered to help clean the other baby angels graves. Some of these angels graves had not been visited for a while and needed a little love and care, so it was nice for the kids to think of them. This was our way of sharing and spreading a little love to others. We may not know what happened to these little angels, and where their parents are, but it's the little act of kindness that means the most.



With that, I want to make sure to tell my husband, "Thank you for being by my side. For comforting and caring when I was all confused inside...For the phone calls you make every day, just to tell me “I love you” every minute of the day." For my kids, "Thank you both for you always seem to know when I need a hug, kiss or a smile…These are the best gifts I could ever receive!"

This coming Valentine's Day, the Gift of Love, Friendship, and Family are the best Gift we can give to those we love, so remember to go all out for love...

Unfamiliar Journey

After 2 years, my grief has finally settled into my heart, becoming a part of who I am. It no longer feels like its drowning me in it's newness. I hardly search to find stories of new baby-lost mommies. I occasionally check-in from time-to-time and read their stories, but my visits are brief. I guess it's more out of habit and an unsatisfied desire. I am searching for something...but my hunger to find comfort is no longer satisfied through these stories.

I feel like I'm in a strange place right now...not quite sure what to make of my emotions and I do not really know how to accurately describe it. This feeling of displacement leaves me searching for something I have yet to define. It leaves me without familiar words or stories to share with those I was once so close to.

I miss my Joshua and told him so while visiting his grave on Christmas Eve. I am grateful for my son and all the gifts his life bestowed upon me. I remembered my little boy yesterday not through tears, but rather through my smile and the love I carry in my heart. His name is never far from my lips and his love never leaving my heart. I thought of Joshua, but his absence was not the looming presence of years past. His memory has woven itself beautifully into my heart, letting me carry him through the day with love. He is with me in everything I do. He is there when I first wake up and he is there when I lay my head down at the end of the day. He is always here in my heart, and now he is here in love more than sorrow.

All these emotions during the holiday leaves me wanting to cry for all the love that filled my heart. I miss my sweet Joshua and yet the ache that was present the last two years was partially replaced by an intense feeling of thankfulness. I am loved by so many. Joshua is loved and is missed by so many.

For now, I guess I must go through the motions and take it one step at a time...one foot in front of the other, remembering to take a breath.

I am certain that there are others who have stumbled and are still stumbling with me, searching for the feeling of contentment but not knowing where this treasure awaits. There have always been those have gone through this before me. We just have to find each other so that this place of lost will not be unfamiliar any more.

For now my heart is heavy, aching with an undefined desire, and keeping me feeling restless and searching. I welcome the new year and hope that it will be filled with more love, more wonderful memories, and most of all happiness and prosperity. We love you Joshua!

Joshua's 2nd Birthday

On this day, two years ago, my son, Joshua Matthew was born sleeping and in the arms of God. Today, as we celebrate Joshua's short life, I begin to feel the longing for the son I gave birth to, exactly two years ago and a desire to maybe try and have another child that we hope to bring into our family and our hearts in the near future. Today, tears of joy and sadness has overwhelmed me, and has reminded me how deeply I still miss Joshua. Even though I do not cry desperate tears very often these days, deep down I know how much Joshua's absence is felt each day. Sometimes I am worried that the absence of tears for my son might mean that I do not miss him as much as I used to. But crying for my son last night and today on his birthday assured me that I do miss my little baby boy as much as I ever have. I am thankful to have cried those tears because they were for Joshua pure and true.

Today, in the calm of the storm, during moments of deep peace, I can reflect back upon my journey and feel proud of myself for having not only survived but actually lived all those painful and joyous moments. I am not drifting aimlessly through life, although sometimes I may feel like a forgotten castaway stuck in mud. I have felt nearly all the range of emotions a human can know, both pleasant and unpleasant. I know the searing heat of grief, the wild fury of anger and the numbing gray of depression. I have been up and down, turned inside out. I have felt the emotions of life and lived to remember them.

With that, all that there is left for me to say is:

"Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday baby Joshua. I can't believe that it's been 2 years already. While you are not here for me to kiss, to touch, to hug, to hold, you are present in our lives in so many ways.

In the quite moments of life, I often feel your presence around me and hear you whisper sweet words in my ears. Baby, I miss you so much and I love you more than ever. While my arms still ache to hold you and my ears strain to hear your sweet voice, I am comforted in knowing that you are safely home with Jesus.

I carry you in my heart each day and know that when I am called home, I will be with you again, I can only imagine the glorious celebration you are having in heaven. We love you so very much Joshua! Your presence in our lives, though brief, was and is a precious gift that we will cherish forever."

I love you forever and always Joshua!

My Never Ending Grief

I was watching the Season Premiere of "Grey's Anatomy" the other night and the story line was about grief and how there are 5 stages of grief:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

For all bereved parents like me, who have lost a baby, I think we can all agree that grief does not occur in stages, but rather in waves...each one overlapping the other at various times, at various intervals and at various intensities. One of the characters on the show (Meridith Grey) said someting that resonated most with me...

“The minute you think you’re over it, it starts all over again.”

That’s where I’m at these days. Waves of emotions rushes from out of nowhere.

My personal experience with grief has been eye opening. I have realized that grief isn't simply a mental condition; it is a profound sadness, which affected me both physically and emotionally. After 1 year, 10 months, 1 week, and 5 days, just when I think I’m okay, the grief starts in again. Tears begin to fall. Nothing new has happened to bring this on...it’s still the same loss! I’m still the same me I was after Joshua died.

Just like the ocean, my grief is vast, powerful, and sometimes consuming. There are days when it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over me and knocks me off my feet, takes my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning.

I know that although I do not like feeling this way, I have to let the wave wash over me, because I know it will eventually recede and I will again be able to regain my footing.

There are times when I think my grief is diminishing...but like the ocean, the tide is just going out, so the waves of grief that hit me will become less frequent and less intense. But just as I think the waves of pain and grief has finally subsided, the tide will come in again. I must learn to be prepared, so that when my grief l resurfaces when I least expect it, it will not take me by surprise again, and won't knock me down so hard. The pain I feel of not being able to hold my son Joshua, still takes my breath away...for this is the nature of grief.

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny." Psalm 73:16-17

Who Joshua Would Be Today

I am thinking of Joshua as always today. His memory floats in my every thought. I am never without him. I often find myself staring at Joshua’s picture, looking for long moments, time melting into the past. I lovingly study his beautiful face. I can only imagine what Joshua would be like today. I always envision him looking more like his big brother Joseph, with his cute button nose and loveable personality. Joseph and Joshua would be the best of friends. If Joshua were here, Brianna would have had to learn how to deal with two little brothers, instead of just one. It is surprising that it has already been almost 16 months since Joshua’s birth and death. It seems like another life, someone else's life. An impossible reality to wrap my mind around sometimes.

Just then, I start to notice the tears of joy and intense love that I have for this little person who I got to hold in my arms so briefly. My hand reaching toward my son, only inches from my face. As I become captivated by his photo, my heart is transported back in time, into that moment, the moment I lost my baby. It is filled with grief and sorrow. My arms ached to hold my baby boy, to kiss him, and feel him upon my chest…but instead my arms are empty.

Since Joshua’s death, my world has been veiled and distorted by grief’s tears. As each day goes by, sharing Joshua's story has become easier. The tearful encounters and barely choking out the words "my son died" is rare now. The mention of Joshua's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul. As more time passes, though, it is becoming easier to gives thanks for what I have, while still mourning for my sweet Joshua, I can smile through my tears, laugh even in my sadness, and see beauty even through the pain.

I know for myself and many other bereaved parents, that sometimes it is very hard to be thankful for anything. The enormity of our loss seems to surpass everything else. It blinds us to the good things that might be right in front of us. Sometimes I find myself asking what is there to be thankful for when a child has died? Then, I am reminded by the answers…

I am thankful that losing him has given me the wisdom that God’s plan is greater than mine. I am thankful that it will always be impossible to take my other children for granted, since I know what it is like to lose one of them. I am thankful that I know how badly this hurts, so I can be more compassionate to others in pain. I am thankful that I now know what my priorities in life are. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help me on this journey, long after the majority believes I should be over it. I am thankful for all the ways I have to remember my child. I am thankful for being able to keep Joshua safe inside me for 27 weeks, feeling him alive and well. I am thankful that I was able to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him how much I love him. I am thankful that I have a God who understand my pain and is able to handle my anger and fears I had for Him. I am thankful that God has wrapped His loving arms around me in times of grief and pain. I am thankful for the depth of my sorrow, because it is a testament to the depth of my love. I am thankful that the moments of deepest despair do not last forever. Most of all, I am thankful that my Joshua was born in the loving arms of our Lord Jesus, because he will never know the pain and sorrow that we all have gone through.

With that thought, I am sending this message to Joshua in heaven…I love you little man! Mommy misses you so very, very much. I think of you with a smile and a tear, but always with love.

The Journey of Living On

The opening lines of C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" say: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, yawning. I keep on swallowing."

As children, we learn from our parents to mark special dates on our calendars, write dates in our journals, and anticipate the coming of each holidays each year. We are encouraged to make note of special days, like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, making sure that we take the time away from our daily routine to observe and celebrate these special dates.

When my child died, I have had an entirely new attitude on the way I view special anniversaries such as birthdays, a baby's due date, family vacations, or other significant days. These anniversary days that were once anticipated with such joy have now become a source of dread and fear for me.

An ominous feeling overcomes me as Joshua's 1st anniversary of his birthday and death approaches. I've been asking myself, "How will I survive the day?" Joshua's death has been one of the most difficult pains I have had to bear as a mother. The anticipation of his 1 year is heightened by grief and pain as each day draws nearer. They say that "In order to experience the rainbow, we must first survive the storm." Right now…

"One day at a time Is all I can bear. If I can make it through this day, then I can look back tomorrow, and know that I am strong, Even in my weakness. And sometimes being weak, is the only way I can be, at all..."

Tattoo

I miss my baby Joshua so much. I know I say this all the time, but it's true...I really do miss him. Living my life without Joshua is not easy. It is one of the most challenging thing ever asked of me.

As summer slowly begins to fade into fall, I'm finding that all the painful memories seems nearly impossible to forget. 2 more months, and we will be what would have been Joshua's 1st birthday! I wasn't sure what or how to celebrate it...I have two more long months before those memories can be found on a calendar page.

I cannot even begin to describe the agony and the aches that fills me inside. I feel sick with grief of not having my son in my arms...I am covered with an unshakable melancholy, longing to hold Joshua one more time...then out of no where, this image of a heart with Joshua's name and a halo has surrounded my thoughts. What could this image mean...after it all sinks in, I knew that I had to finally dive in, and get a tattoo for Joshua, for Brianna, and for Joseph...A tattoo with my babies' names...to declare my undying love for my children.

It's only fitting that if I'm going to get a tattoo, it should be a tattoo for my kids.

New Beginnings

It's been 1 month and 2 weeks, since we moved to our new home...8 months, 1 week, and 5 days, since we lost our baby boy. No amount of tears I cry can bring back my precious Joshua. It doesn't matter how many figurines or trinkets I place on the mantel with his picture...the emptiness of Joshua not being here can not be filled. Our hearts and home are empty without him. Some days, most days, I feel the fatigue down to my very soul, exhausted crying and missing my baby.

I miss Joshua with all that I am. I miss the life we planned that included him. I miss not having a nursery just for Joshua. I miss the experience I lost of being able to hold him, kiss him, nurse him. I miss Joshua at family gatherings where all the other children are present...all but Joshua! I miss the chance to watch Joshua grow up with Brianna and Joseph! I am exhausted from missing the life I wanted to have with Joshua. I am tired from the weight of my empty arms. My heart is tired the pain I feel of not having my baby. My heart is tired from all the heartaches that is present every minute and every second of every day that I don't have Joshua in my arms.

So if you see me around, surviving the day, know I may smile and even laugh. Know I must live the life I have because I still have Brianna and Joseph that needs me. But also know that I hurt inside and that my heart remains broken. Know that I miss my precious baby boy, Joshua, more and more with each passing day. Know that I am quietly remembering him in the silence of my heart, for each thought of him is a treasure that I will keep while we are now apart.

The Journey Continues

Over time sharing Joshua's story has become easier. The tearful encounters of trembling and barely choking out the words "my baby is dead" are rare now. I can share baby Joshua’s story, share his picture and assure the person on the other side of my story that it’s alright if they asked.

I’m not sure just how or when I became able to live life without the constant dagger of grief stabbing my heart deeply. It is something I never imagined possible. I often ask myself, how can I laugh, a heartfelt laugh, while living without my son? How can peace settle on a heart damaged and scared by grief? I do not ask these questions out of guilt, but rather a curious amazement.

There is no mistaking the Joshua sized hole that is permanently missing from my heart. That can never ever be filled! There will always be an empty space left by Joshua's death. Time has not healed my heart, but rather my heart has somehow grown stronger with the passing of time.

They say time heals all pains. I disagree. I don't think time heals. I think time allows the a broken heart and soul to grow in it's new surroundings. I believe time offers nothing other than moments, not healing. It is our soul and through the warm embrace of God that does the work to find smiles after the tears. While it is true that I carry around a huge burden of grief, which is now a permanent part of who I am, the grief I carry for my son’s death has been shifted so that I can see the light once again. I am thankful to God once again today for the healing that has found my soul.

While watching TV, a question was posed...”If technology was available to erase the memory of our dead child, would we choose to do so? Would the removal of their memory, the pain of their loss, be worth not knowing of their brief existence?”

I knew my answer immediately, without hesitation, without thought...NO! How could I ever consider erasing all knowledge and memory of my baby Joshua? That thought alone causes my stomach to lurch and my heart to ache. Joshua is and always will be my son, my love, my life, my inspiration, and my everything. He has given me so much, that I can not imagine living my life without him.

Am I not already living my life without Joshua? Yes, I live without him physically. I ache to feel his soft skin, feel his warm embrace, smell his baby breath, and feel his warm kiss. Even though he is not here with me, he is much of who I am. Joshua guides my actions and leads me to thoughts on life that would never have come without his light shining the way along this journey of grief. Joshua has taught me to live life fully, taking in the beauty of each moment. I live both with and without him.

Never would I choose to erase all memory of Joshua. I do not think such full erasure is possible anyway. He is in my heart, my soul, my breath and my life. Joshua is a part of me beyond. Joshua grew within my womb and we are a part of each other. Death does not sever our connection completely, because “...A mother’s love for her angel is undying!”

How sad and empty my life would be without knowing of my son. There would be a huge void, larger than the one that currently resides within my heart, dominating my life. If Joshua's life was erased from my conscious memory, I would feel as if something was missing. But the missing piece would be unnamed, unknown and desperately sought after. I know what is missing from my life and I actively choose to remember and seek ways to honor Joshua’s memory.

No, Joshua deserves to be remembered. His life and death are a part of who I am. In the darkest hour it was my children, my family, my God, and my son Joshua, that saved me from total despair and becoming lost in the black void. My love for my children has lifted me from the dark pit of despair more times than I care to number. Joshua's beauty and love have illuminated the darkness and given my life deep meaning. Never, ever would I choose to be ignorant of my son's existence. I love him, in life and in death.

We miss you baby Joshua

My journey in this world without Joshua is not yet complete....but I know when God calls me home, I will be with my son again!