On this day, two years ago, my son, Joshua Matthew was born sleeping and in the arms of God. Today, as we celebrate Joshua's short life, I begin to feel the longing for the son I gave birth to, exactly two years ago and a desire to maybe try and have another child that we hope to bring into our family and our hearts in the near future. Today, tears of joy and sadness has overwhelmed me, and has reminded me how deeply I still miss Joshua. Even though I do not cry desperate tears very often these days, deep down I know how much Joshua's absence is felt each day. Sometimes I am worried that the absence of tears for my son might mean that I do not miss him as much as I used to. But crying for my son last night and today on his birthday assured me that I do miss my little baby boy as much as I ever have. I am thankful to have cried those tears because they were for Joshua pure and true.
Today, in the calm of the storm, during moments of deep peace, I can reflect back upon my journey and feel proud of myself for having not only survived but actually lived all those painful and joyous moments. I am not drifting aimlessly through life, although sometimes I may feel like a forgotten castaway stuck in mud. I have felt nearly all the range of emotions a human can know, both pleasant and unpleasant. I know the searing heat of grief, the wild fury of anger and the numbing gray of depression. I have been up and down, turned inside out. I have felt the emotions of life and lived to remember them.
With that, all that there is left for me to say is:
"Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday baby Joshua. I can't believe that it's been 2 years already. While you are not here for me to kiss, to touch, to hug, to hold, you are present in our lives in so many ways.
In the quite moments of life, I often feel your presence around me and hear you whisper sweet words in my ears. Baby, I miss you so much and I love you more than ever. While my arms still ache to hold you and my ears strain to hear your sweet voice, I am comforted in knowing that you are safely home with Jesus.
I carry you in my heart each day and know that when I am called home, I will be with you again, I can only imagine the glorious celebration you are having in heaven. We love you so very much Joshua! Your presence in our lives, though brief, was and is a precious gift that we will cherish forever."
I love you forever and always Joshua!
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