It's been 1 month and 2 weeks, since we moved to our new home...8 months, 1 week, and 5 days, since we lost our baby boy. No amount of tears I cry can bring back my precious Joshua. It doesn't matter how many figurines or trinkets I place on the mantel with his picture...the emptiness of Joshua not being here can not be filled. Our hearts and home are empty without him. Some days, most days, I feel the fatigue down to my very soul, exhausted crying and missing my baby.
I miss Joshua with all that I am. I miss the life we planned that included him. I miss not having a nursery just for Joshua. I miss the experience I lost of being able to hold him, kiss him, nurse him. I miss Joshua at family gatherings where all the other children are present...all but Joshua! I miss the chance to watch Joshua grow up with Brianna and Joseph! I am exhausted from missing the life I wanted to have with Joshua. I am tired from the weight of my empty arms. My heart is tired the pain I feel of not having my baby. My heart is tired from all the heartaches that is present every minute and every second of every day that I don't have Joshua in my arms.
So if you see me around, surviving the day, know I may smile and even laugh. Know I must live the life I have because I still have Brianna and Joseph that needs me. But also know that I hurt inside and that my heart remains broken. Know that I miss my precious baby boy, Joshua, more and more with each passing day. Know that I am quietly remembering him in the silence of my heart, for each thought of him is a treasure that I will keep while we are now apart.
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