My Never Ending Grief

I was watching the Season Premiere of "Grey's Anatomy" the other night and the story line was about grief and how there are 5 stages of grief:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

For all bereved parents like me, who have lost a baby, I think we can all agree that grief does not occur in stages, but rather in waves...each one overlapping the other at various times, at various intervals and at various intensities. One of the characters on the show (Meridith Grey) said someting that resonated most with me...

“The minute you think you’re over it, it starts all over again.”

That’s where I’m at these days. Waves of emotions rushes from out of nowhere.

My personal experience with grief has been eye opening. I have realized that grief isn't simply a mental condition; it is a profound sadness, which affected me both physically and emotionally. After 1 year, 10 months, 1 week, and 5 days, just when I think I’m okay, the grief starts in again. Tears begin to fall. Nothing new has happened to bring this on...it’s still the same loss! I’m still the same me I was after Joshua died.

Just like the ocean, my grief is vast, powerful, and sometimes consuming. There are days when it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over me and knocks me off my feet, takes my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning.

I know that although I do not like feeling this way, I have to let the wave wash over me, because I know it will eventually recede and I will again be able to regain my footing.

There are times when I think my grief is diminishing...but like the ocean, the tide is just going out, so the waves of grief that hit me will become less frequent and less intense. But just as I think the waves of pain and grief has finally subsided, the tide will come in again. I must learn to be prepared, so that when my grief l resurfaces when I least expect it, it will not take me by surprise again, and won't knock me down so hard. The pain I feel of not being able to hold my son Joshua, still takes my breath away...for this is the nature of grief.

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny." Psalm 73:16-17