The Best and Worst Year of My Life

The year of 2007 was the best and worst year of my life. I would like to look back and remember all the excitement, love, worry and sadness I experienced.

March 20- Brianna celebrates her 5th birthday.

May 13- Joseph celebrates his 4th birthday,

May 23- Jose celebrates his 36th birthday. We think we conceived Joshua Matthew on his daddy's birthday!

June 25- Confirmed that I was pregnant with Joshua and saw my precious baby's heartbeat for the first time on the ultrasound! I remember hearing the fast gallop of Joshua's tiny heart.

July 13- My youngest sister Christina and Phil gets married.

July 23- Got into a car accident. After this day, I feel like everything went south.

August 10- Got the worst news about my pregnancy and my baby's chances of survival. I was diagnosed with Oligohydramnious (low amniotic fluid). Despite the doctors advice on terminating the pregnancy, we decided to leave it up to God and prayed for a miracle.

September 18- Had an amniocentesis done to rule out any genetic defects.

September 30- Celebrated my 31st birthday

October 3- Received good news from the amniocentisis. We found out that our baby's chromosomes were normal and we also found out that we were having a little BOY! We named him Joshua Matthew.

November 14- Today, we found out the Christina was pregnant. I also went in for my OB appt. Received the worst news of all...that my baby Joshua started to develop fluids in his brain, and that I was leaking a lot of fluid. I was sent to the hospital to have labor induced. I was only 27 weeks pregnant. The doctors told me that my precious baby would probably not survive the labor and if he did, he would only live a very short while. Labor was induced at 6:00pm.

November 15- At 12:28am my precious Joshua was born sleeping. He weighed 1 lb 8 oz and was 10 inches long. My whole family was present in the birthing room and experienced all the joy and then sadness that we all felt of losing Joshua. We held my our precious baby. Held him, hugged him, kissed him, told him we love him and then at 3:30am the doctors finally took our baby Joshua's body for an autopsy.

November 16- Jose and I had to break the news to Brianna and Joseph that their baby brother died and went to heaven. My parents and Jose went to Forest Lawn to prepare Joshua's funeral.

November 20- Saw my precious baby's body again for the first time before the prayer service began. I wanted to take him out of his little coffin, to hold him and pray that all this was just a dream.

November 21- We had a memorial service for Baby Joshua at Forest Lawn-Hollywood Hills. All the love and support we received from friends, families, and co-workers gave us a brief moment of peace...this was also the first I had felt Joshua's presence since his death.

November 22 - Our first Thanksgiving without Joshua. This day was so difficult. I cried and cried so many tears. I tried to be thankful for what I have: for Brianna, for Joseph, for Jose and for my family.

November 24- Jose and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. Although we didn't feel like celebrating, we did because it was our love with God's blessing the Joshua was created, so we went to watch "Wicked."

December 5- Jose and I went to pick out Joshua's memorial tablet...it's beautiful. I can't wait till they install it on his grave.

December 25 - Our first Christmas without Joshua. This day was more difficult than Thanksgiving. We had so many vision's of what this day would be like, and they all included our baby Joshua. I shed so many tears on this day. I also felt Joshua's presence and became joyous in celebrating Christ's life along with my baby Joshua.

December 31- Today is New Years Eve. The very last day of the year 2007. I am anticipating this year leave with both regret and relief. This year has provided me with some of the best days and experiences of my life.

I can thank 2007 for the good health that was given to Brianna, Joseph, Jose and everyone in my family. I am also thankful for the memories of being pregnant and watching Joshua grow inside me. I am thankful for the year 2007, for allowing me to know what it is like to plan a life around becoming a parent for the third time.

Despite being thankful for all the good memories that 2007 brought, I must also curse the year 2007 for giving me this intense pain and grief that I feel of losing my baby Joshua. The year 2007 is the year our baby Joshua died and our lives changed forever.

I have experienced the deepest of sorrow and the strongest of love this year. I have felt and truly understand deeply the love a parent feels for their child. I have felt a sense of peace that comes from the love and prayers from families and friends and I have gained new friends that understand my grief and heartache. I wish I did not know what it is like to see the world through a veil of sorrow. I have cried more tears than anyone should cry in a lifetime. I have learned this year what it is to lose a child.

Good bye to the 2007. The best and worst year of my life. I pray to God that this New Year will be a better one for my family. I pray that 2008 will not be filled with any more pain, sorrow, and death. Most of all, I pray that 2008 will bring and be filled with new life, hope and peace for each and everyone of us.