Waves and Ripples

I was told to expect tidal waves of sadness, pain and grief. I was told the waves will come and go, and so far this has held true. The tidal waves are strong, hitting with no warning. The waves nearly drown me in sorrow and tears, pulling me down with tremendous force. Tumbling under the heavy waves, unable to breathe or see, I am just trying to survive.

The tears flow fast and hard. The sorrow almost unbearable. I ride this wave until somehow, I am spit out on the shore. My body and soul shaken and battered. I am exhausted, hardly able to stand. But I survived. It had nothing to do with strength, only raw survival. After the wave passes, another wave comes along, but this one is of hope and peace. The wave of hope and peace is much smaller, more of a gentle ripple than a wave. This ripple enters my heart and I feel peace. My eyes so red and blurry, can see again. My body so weary and tired, can move again. My breath comes easier. I can smile and even laugh. The weight of my pain and sorrow is a little lighter.

There is some guilt that comes with the ripple of peace and hope. The guilt that creeps in after a good laugh. The guilt of enjoying the company of friends. I hate the guilt. Then the cycle repeats. The tidal wave of tears and pain striking without warning. The small ripple of peace and hope. Then guilt. Over and over and over. Today, as I remember Joshua, I hope that one day the ripples will stay longer and waves not so large. I hope one day, the guilt will bury itself and not be felt. Today I will continue to survive the waves of pain and float on the ripples of peace.