Heal The Wound, But Leave The Scar

I know that I cannot rewrite history or change the past, but I can let God redeem it. We've all made mistakes and have been ashamed of our past failures.

My years of struggling with losing my son Joshua was and is still painful. The pain and wound of losing him felt like gaping emotional wounds. Today, the wound doesn't hurt as much, but there are times when the pain re-emerges, and I feel the wound opening up again. I have made peace with the way my life has worked out. However, I still bear scars from that experience, and I would not want to lose those scars, even if it were possible to do so. Those scars are a reminder of where I have been, and they are proof to others that I survived that experience. If I were to lose the scars, then I would lose the ability to encourage other people who are in the same painful place that I once was.

I am so grateful that the wounds are healed, but I am also grateful that I have the scars to remind myself of how God has healed me, and it is through God’s mercy that I have been forgiven for all the wrongs I have done in the past. Lord, please...Take the pieces of this heart and Heal the wound but leave the scar as a reminder of who I was, who I am, and who You want me to be.

"Heal The Wound"
by Point of Grace"

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Paradise Bound

Well, we did it! We finally took a real family vacation together. Destination...Paradise! For my hubby's 40th birthday, we decided to go to Hawaii. The kids were extremely excited and had so much fun! It was truly a memorable experience for all of us. We each had our favorite moments from all the adventures we had.

Where do I even begin? Let's see, there was definitely lots of swimming involved, snorkeling, boat ride, submarine ride, train ride around the pineapple plantation, and even some adventures with giant teddy bears!
One of our favorite adventures would have to be our visit to the Polynesian Center, where we were able to visit 7 different villages, as well as watch some great hula and fire dancing. The "Ha: Breath of Life" was spectacular.


Joseph said that his favorite was the submarine ride, where we went down 107 feet under the ocean to watch some sea turtles, sting rays, and tropical fish swim. Brianna's favorite was swimming at the beach and snorkeling. She she was able to get up close to see the different sea creatures swimming by. She's a natural sea baby :) There was so many fun activities that we did, and so many memories we made. We had a blast!


The beautiful island of Oahu was truly breathtaking. Every morning we were lucky enough to wake up and see the blue waters of the ocean from our lanai. We even ventured out, and drove around the island, where we found a beautiful beachfront park, with a view of another nearby island called "China Man's Hat." Here's a picture of me and hubby at Kualoa Park, in Laie.

We know this is just one of many travel adventures we will be taking together as a family, so stay tuned for more posts about upcoming future travel adventures. Until then, ALOHA!

Here Comes the Rain Again...

♪♫•*¨*•.¸Here comes the rain again...falling on my head like a memory. Falling on my head like a new emotion♪♫•*¨*•.¸

The always reminds me that "...Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." Often times when the rain begins to fall, it brings a surge of emotions and memories my way. Memories of my wedding day when the rain kept falling and my mom had to use a big garden umbrella to shield me from getting wet. While everyone said that the rain was a blessing...a sign that God is pouring down his blessings on our marriage, all I can remember saying was, "Thank you Lord for pouring down your blessings on this marriage. Now please, make the rain stop, so I don't get wet!" From our house, all the way to the church, the rain kept falling. It was only after the church ceremony was done, when the rain subsided, and everything was wiped clean.

With this memory, you would think that I would associate the rain with happy memories...but sadly, the rain only makes me feel sad. I have heard of people suffering from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Maybe that's what I have. I am self diagnosing my emotions (lol). My husband just laughs (not in a mean way of course), whenever the rain comes and I tell him I have S.A.D.

Today marks the first day of spring, and sure enough here comes the rain. While I try to remember that the rain washes away all things, and makes things clean again, it often makes me want to just stay in bed and sulk. For some reason, when I hear the pitter-patter of the raindrops falling from the sky, I often imagine going out in the rain and just crying my eyes out...maybe because the rain will wash away my tears. I have to remind myself that it can't rain forever and that if I want the rainbow to come out, I've got to put up with the rain.

Happy 9th Birthday to my Daughter BRIANNA

I am so grateful and thankful that I have you as a daughter. No matter how many birthdays may come and go, you'll always be my little girl. With each passing year, you grow sweeter and more beautiful than ever. I feel so blessed that God gave me a daughter like you and I am so very proud to have you as my daughter.

Thank you for being a wonderful daughter, and for giving me so many reasons to smile, Thanks for our on-the-go fun times together, and times we just talk and relax for a while. Thank you for the many hugs and kisses you give me everyday, and for always letting me know that you appreciate me...Most of all, thank you for showing me all through the years, that I'm the luckiest mommy there ever could be.

Happy 9th Birthday to my pride and joy.

Life's Uncertainty

Many times as we travel this road of life, we often face uncertainties, oppositions, and even doubts. Whatever the uncertainty, it usually brings up feelings of being out of control, fear, anxiety, worry, self-doubt, depression, and sometimes can even feel totally overwhelming. It's human nature for us to worry when we are faced with the unknown. What's important is how we respond and cope with these uncertainties. We can get stuck in fear of the uncertainty of life, and continue to waste what precious time we have on focusing our thoughts on the negative things that might happen in our lives, or trust that God will never give us more that we can bear. We often forget that worrying is the opposite of trust.

In 2 Corinthians 9:8, we are reminded that, "...God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." God is able to make all things right, no matter how hopeless a situation may be.

I often remind myself to trust and ask God to guide me, when life's uncertainties comes my way. I remind myself to put my trust in Him no matter what the circumstances, and to remember that courage and strength will come from God. So, as I deal with this uncertainty that has come my way, I know God wants me to approach these uncertainties with strength and courage, not with fear! I know that with Him, I can move ahead with confidence and determination, and that He will provide and will pour out His boundless blessings upon me.

"Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith." It is so wonderful that we have the Biblical promise that God will provide all of our needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19).

Remember, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" (Philippians 4:6). I do not want to lie awake at night, unable to sleep because of my worries and distress, I know God is waiting...I surrender my prayers and petitions, so that He can be God and I can get some sleep!

New Year's Prayer

New Year's Resolutions...What’s yours? We all make them, right? I know I have, and it’s usually the same thing year after year. We want to be thinner, eat healthier, exercise more, spend less, save more, be a better wife and mother, and the list goes on. Tonight, I have spent some time reflecting on my life this past year and what I hope for the New Year. I can truly say that my family and I have been immensely blessed in 2010. We have had our struggles but God has brought us through each and every one of them.

These past few months, I have spent a lot of time praying for God to draw me nearer to Him. In the past several months I have had a deeper hunger and thirst for His Word and His presence. This New Year, it is my hope that I can use more of my time to glorify Him even more, because I really do want to give my whole life to Him, not in part, but the whole thing. My intention this year is to live with such intentionality that He can be seen in and through me. I pray that He will continue to give me an open heart so that I can go wherever He leads me, even when it doesn’t make any sense to me. "LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered-how fleeting my life is. Psalm 39:4

Going forward, I want to live my life focused more on God. I want my time here to reflect Him. I want my kids to see how amazing life is when He is given the trust and honor He so fully deserves. I want them to know the joy of giving to others unselfishly. I want them to know that God will always be there for them, and that He will provide for their needs.

I have a feeling that 2011 is going to hold some big things for our family. I am sure it will be a year of ups and downs, highs and lows, and grief and joys. But not matter what comes our way, I know He will be there every step of the way to guide us. I continue to pray that we are able to love even more, give even more, and seek Him in all we do.

I don't know if we will be thinner or if we will exercise more, (we’ll certainly try), but I know we are here and we are feeling a stirring in our hearts. He is calling and we are wrapping our minds around what it is He is asking and we continue to pray for His guidance. He isn't done with us yet.

May 2011 be a blessed year for all of us.

Heavenly Celebration

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know you’re wondering how I’ll celebrate my 3rd birthday in heaven. I know you’re missing me most today. I feel your essence near.

God planned a special day for me. He told me with a wink. He’d ordered me a special cake (It’s Angel food, I think)

I’m getting lots of hugs from God. He’s really good at that...And every time that I walk by, He gives my head a pat.

Heaven will be filled with balloons or me. They float up through the clouds...And we have lots of clowns up here. That make us laugh out loud.

There is a birthday carousel, jeweled horses ride the wind with music playing oh so sweet…the magic never ends

I’ve made so many friends, you see. We laugh and play and sing. We ride our bikes and play jump rope...and sleep in Angel’s wings.

We’ll have our cake and ice cream, and open gifts, surprise! But we don’t blow out our candles here...Instead, they light the skies.

Love Letters to Heaven

We will be sending our "Love Letters to Heaven" via balloon release tomorrow for Baby Joshua's 3rd Heavenly Birthday. We love you and miss you baby!

"Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to Joshua, happy birthday to me!"

In my mind, I imagine Joshua whispering these words as he gets ready to head to our Lord's heavenly home to celebrate his third heavenly birthday. I can only imagine what God has prepared for my Joshua's birthday. I am sure He has planned a huge party for Joshua in heaven. All the angels and heavenly babies will be there.

As Joshua separates the clouds with his two tiny hands, so he can see the balloons we are sending his way...he sees the tear drops falling on our faces. Joshua ask God, "Why are they crying on my birthday, Jesus? This is a happy day for me!" God takes Joshua's hand and tells him, "Your family misses you very much. Do not worry little one. They will be okay. When it's their time, I will call them home, so that you can all be together again. They love you so much little one!"

Happy Birthday my love. I love you and miss you so much!

A Mother's Prayer

God has entrusted me with the most precious gifts...my children. A mother's love means a life of devotion and sometimes a life of sacrifice. Every mother prays for her children's safety and that they will grow up healthy and strong. A mother's love is never ending!

I wanted to share this beautiful song to inspire all mothers to pray over their children and to thank God for the privileged He has given us of becoming mothers.

Click on the title of the song to listen to this beautiful music.

I dedicate this song to my beautiful children, Brianna, Joseph, and Joshua. I love you with all my heart.



"A Mother’s Prayer (HANNAH'S SONG)"
by Rachel Aldous

My sweet baby on loan from above.
No better treasure could I more love.
I stand here beside your bed as I pray
I lay my hand on your head and I say:

May you grow up to serve Him all of your days.
May He lead you and guide you in all of your ways.
May His hand bless your future with friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth and not grow up too fast

I stare in wonder at your tiny frame.
Just to think that God knows you by name.
He knows every hair on your beautiful head.
He knows your thoughts before they are said.

May you grow up to serve Him all of your days
May He lead you and guide you in all of your ways.
May His Hand bless your future with friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth and not grow up too fast.

Prayer:
May God grant you peace in the midst of a storm.
May God give you strength even when you’re forlorn.
May you answer the door when Jesus comes knocking.
May wisdom guide when your mouth is talking.
May discretion protect you and keep you pure.
May you never stumble or fall for a lure.
May your heart remain humble to the very end.
May uprightness and truth be what you defend.
May the world not ensnare or change who you are.
May the light that's within you shine like the stars.
May angels surround you body, spirit, mind.
May favor and peace be yours to find.
May rejection and pain never reach you.
May your spirit grow bold for what you’re called to.

As you rest in God’s care I will rest, too.
Knowing that Jesus is watching over you.

Amen

I love you, Mommy…

Time Passing By

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

I haven't posted in months...honestly I haven't had the time, nor anything in particular to write about. And, since not many read my postings here, I haven't felt as though my dribble would be missed.

Life is heavier than I would like it to be. I find myself overwhelmed by the many roles that I must play on a daily basis. Lately, I don’t have much energy or motivation to do much these days. I had hand surgery 3 weeks ago, and it’s been difficult for me to do just about anything. The stitches finally came out 3 days ago, and while my hand is still recovering, I felt the need to write and release some of the feeling that I have been bottling up inside, even if I have to type with one hand.


It’s been a month since we last visited Joshua’s grave. I’m not sure why I stayed away for so long. We usually visit him every week, but for some unspoken reason, I stayed away…not because I don’t miss him. On the contrary…it’s because I have missed him so much, that being there by his grave side only made me miss him more.

They say time heals all wounds, but I believe that time doesn’t heal anything…time simply passes. It is what we do with our lives while time is passing that either helps us, heals us or keeps us stuck. Don’t get me wrong. It will be almost 3 years since Joshua’s birth and death, and it still doesn't get easier. My heart will always be filled with wonders of what it would have been like to have him here with us. It will always long for my son who is not in my arms. Our lives will never be fully complete without him.

I am amazed at how time can both simultaneously fly by and crawl by at the same time. It’s as if it was only yesterday, when I was pregnant with Joshua…when I gave birth to him and held him in my arms for the first and last time. Yet at the same time, it feels like forever since I last saw his angelic face. There is so much that I very clearly remember about this day three years go; and yet other details are starting to become blurry, despite my best effort to remember everything. Has it really been almost three years? 


I’ve asked myself how will we celebrate Joshua’s 3rd birthday this year? It's a strange thing to figure out how to celebrate the third birthday of your child who is no longer here. I am not sure I will ever feel celebratory on November 15th... bittersweet seems to be more accurate. The bitter reality that Joshua is no longer here, and yet a I carry with me sweet memories of being privileged enough to have been chosen as him mom.

While life remains good, I continue to remind myself to live one day at a time and to put one foot in front of the other. My husband and I are so thankful for Brianna and Joseph…it is because of them that we are forced to live "in the moment" and kept us laughing on the most difficult of days. Our God is so good and even in the midst of our sadness it is so evident that He is working in our families lives. For now, I will continue to ask God to lift my head from the clouds that I find myself in at time. I am faithful that He will, because I know He won't give me more than I can handle, even though it doesn't always feel that way.