Hole in my heart...1 Year of Missing my Dad!

It's been a year since I have been on this journey of grief.  It's been filled with many emotional peaks and waves. There are days when I often find myself missing my Dad so very much. The sadness still comes along once in awhile, but the joy in the memories I have of him is so dear that it gently pushes aside the sadness. With me always are the wonderful memories we have together, and the way he helped to shape the woman I am today.

On the days when I am really missing him, I find that it helps me to write down my thoughts and feelings...releasing a flood of emotions to help me cope this intense pain that throbs inside my chest!

How do I remember my dad....Tall and proud. My dad was a big man (literally, he was about 6'2) with a thick head of wavy black hair, twinkling eyes, an infectious laugh, and had the deepest voice. To meet him was to like him instantly, since he was always so warm and accepting, very social, full of knowledge, and of course, a big joker. 

My earliest memories of my Dad are ones filled with the innocent wonder that only the young possess. He was like a king to me...this perfect, big man who could swoop me up in a bear hug so big and strong, I wouldn’t be able to see through his embrace. He was so big and strong and powerful, that I just assumed he was my own personal jungle gym and swing set. My favorite spots was usually on his lap or up on his shoulders. 

A typical Daddy’s Girl, my dad was my biggest ally and supporter! I could always depend on him to be there for me. I am thankful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful and loving father! 

Dear Dad, 

"Even though my heart aches, There's a smile on my face. Just like a window to heaven, There's a light shining through.

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go...There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you!"

I love you and I miss you so much Dad! Give Baby Joshua a big hug and kiss for me! 

-Song: "The Shape of You" by Jewel

Culmination...where did the time go?

🎓Culmination Day...how quickly they grow up! Today, my lil' man culminated from 5th Grade. It seems like only yesterday, when he started pre-school and now he's off to middle school. Before I know it, it will be high school graduation and then college! 

Congratulations Jojo! Dad and I are so proud of you for culminating and receiving the President's Silver Academic Award for maintaining a 3.0-3.5 GPA! 

We know you'll continue to do great things! ❤️Always remember that we're rooting for you and that we love you very much!

Never Grow Up...Happy Birthday Brianna

To Our Little Girl Brianna...

Each year, your dad and I have the privilege of celebrating the day you came into our lives! We feel incredibly lucky to be your Mom & Dad! On your birthday, may God continue to guide you in your every step and ...may beauty and happiness surround you today and always. We hope you know how much we love you and that no matter how old you are, you will always be our little girl!

 

Happy 12th Birthday Brianna!

Dreaming of you...

7 long months have past since God called my dad home. I never really got a chance to say good bye to my Father or tell him how much I love him, and what he ment to me. Last night I had a dream of him, and in my dream I knew it was my chance to let him know. 

In my dream, I was in a crowded room full of people, and as I was about to leave, I glanced over to my right and saw my dad sitting. He looked at me and smiled. I wave and smile back, but didn't approach him at first. A few minutes later, something inside me told me to go to my dad. It was such an intense feeling, one that I can't really describe, nor ignore!

I ran to my dad and wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight. I told him every thing that was in my heart, and repeated several times, "Dad, I love you! Please don't leave until I get back!" He held me and never said a word...he just had this peaceful look on his face, smiling back at me. The warmth of his embrace felt so good, and I felt so safe and secure around it.  It was at that very moment, I knew I had to finally let go of him, even though I didn't want to. I gave my dad one last look and kiss and told him once again that I loved him. He smiled again at me, but this time I heard the sound of his deep voice saying, "I know Anna, I love you too!" As I slowly walked away from him, something inside me knew that that was the last time I would see him, hold him, and hear his voice. With each step I took, I kept looking back at him to make sure he was still there...until finally he was gone! 

I woke up at first feeling well rested and thinking "Finally, I was able to get that much needed sleep!" For the past few weeks, I was having such a hard time sleeping, and last night was the first good night sleep I had. It wasn't until the kids and hubby left for school and work, that I remembered my dream...and that's when tears began to fall...tears of happiness that I saw my dad again, and tears if sadness, because I knew it was good-bye for now. 

Dad, I love you and miss you immensely! I can't wait until I can be with you and Joshua again. See you in my dreams for now!

Missing you Dad...

I often find myself missing my Dad so very much. The sadness still comes along, but the joy in the memories I have of him is so dear, that it gently pushes aside the sadness. I keep with me always, all the wonderful memories and the way he helped to shape my character, morals, and all that I am today!

I love you and miss you dearly Dad!

Butterflies in my stomach...

Urban Dictionary defines "Butterflies in my Stomach" as "An awesome feeling when someone you care about looks at you, stares at you or complements you; and you don't know what to do in that moment, except feel happy. It can be a physical feeling like a little tickle traveling up your stomach."

It's been 18 years, and to this day, hubby still gives me butterflies in my stomach! We recently took a trip to Key West together for the first time without the bubbas...and what a trip it was! Not only was it beautiful, it was an amazing experience. Being able to spend some time together, watching the beautiful sun set on the ocean cruise, and just enjoy each other's company, made me feel so happy to be able to have that special moment together. Not only did my heart skipped a beat at that moment in time, as he held my hand, but my stomach flipped and flopped, like butterflies were flying around inside me, and it felt as if we were in the beginning stages of our relationship! 

It was truly an unforgettable feeling and experience. I feel so blessed and lucky to have hubby and the kids in my life!

The power of a hug...

Yesterday, after picking up the kids from school, we made an unexpected stop at the grocery store, so I can pick up some ingredients for Jojo's spaghetti that he's been asking me to cook. 

As we were entering the store, and old lady was walking slowly in front of us. I made no attempt to go pass her and just waited patiently for her to walk in the pace she was comfortable in. After a few minutes, she turned around and said, "Thank you for being patient with me. It's hard getting old! It's especially harder now that my husband is not with me anymore. He passed away last month." As she told me her story about how much she missed her husband of 55 years, tears began to roll down her eyes! My instinct told me to give her a hug as a way to console her grieving heart! She thanked me for listening to her and said that "...God must have sent you to give me this hug! Thank you for listening to me!"😢 

Sometimes we forget to slow down in life to even notice if others are hurting. I'm thankful God reminded me to slow down and show my compassion to others in need!

Goodbye 2013 & Hello 2014

December 31st...Today is New Year's Eve. The very last day of the year 2013. I am anticipating saying goodbye and leaving it behind with both regret and relief. Much like the year 2007, 2013 has provided me with some of the best and worst days and experiences of my life. It has been filled with lots of laughter, as well as tears! I can thank 2013 for the good health and safe protection that was given to my children Brianna and Joseph, my husband Jose, and everyone in our family. I am thankful for all the memories made and most of all, I am also thankful for my new nephew and birthday buddy Noah.  Despite being thankful for all the good memories that 2013 has brought, I am relieved to also say goodbye to the year 2013, for it has given me and my family this intense pain and grief of losing my father! For now I guess it's going to have to have to hurt. I'm going to have to let go of some things I loved, in order to get to the other side...sometimes moving on starts with goodbye! Although 2013 left me with another scar in my heart, it has also taught me how to be stronger again! As the New Year begins, I continue to thank the Lord for all the blessings and trials and pray that the new year will be a year filled with peace, love, happiness, and abundance of joy for all of us! Goodbye 2013 and Hello 2014!

Time passing by...

Seems like only yesterday when I held their little hands...time is passing by so quickly! How quickly they are growing up!

Joshua's 6th Heavenly Birthday

It has been six years...six painful years since I held my son Joshua for the first and last time. I often look back and to this day, I can still see it all so clearly...I can still feel the heartaches I felt of losing him. How I miss him so much! 

Today, as Joshua celebrates his 6th birthday in heaven with our Lord and with my dad, I can only imagine how beautiful and glorious it must be. I am sure Joshua is thrilled that his Lolo Bert is finally with him so they can celebrate together. How I wish, if only in my dreams tonight, I could get a glimps of just how wonderful and happy they must be celebrating Joshua's 6th Heavenly Birthday! I imagine my dad, with his big deep voice, singing the birthday song to Josh, as the angels gather around and join him in chorus! I know Joshua's heart is full of joy, as he listens to his Lolo sing to him. 

Forever and always, my heart will be full of grief of not having my son with me. Our family will never be complete until we are all reunited together in Heaven! 

For now, I must be content with sending my love, my hugs, my kisses, and my birthday greetings to my son Joshua through letters to Heaven.

Happy 6th Heavenly Birthday Joshua! 

We love you and miss you with all our hearts! Give your Lolo Bert a big hug and kiss from us and let him know how much we miss him too!

 

A Mother's Love (Author Unknown)

I didn't have to look into your eyes 

to fall in love with you. 

I didn't have to hear you cry 

To know you loved me too. 

I didn't need to hold your hand 

To cherish you always 

Within my womb, we shared our hearts. 

You touched my soul. 

You sweetened my spirit. 

You gave me memories I'll always hold dear. 

Yes my heart aches since you departed so soon. 

But a mother's love does not end with death. 

For you are my child. 

Forever my love is yours.