The Best and Worst Year of My Life

The year of 2007 was the best and worst year of my life. I would like to look back and remember all the excitement, love, worry and sadness I experienced.

March 20- Brianna celebrates her 5th birthday.

May 13- Joseph celebrates his 4th birthday,

May 23- Jose celebrates his 36th birthday. We think we conceived Joshua Matthew on his daddy's birthday!

June 25- Confirmed that I was pregnant with Joshua and saw my precious baby's heartbeat for the first time on the ultrasound! I remember hearing the fast gallop of Joshua's tiny heart.

July 13- My youngest sister Christina and Phil gets married.

July 23- Got into a car accident. After this day, I feel like everything went south.

August 10- Got the worst news about my pregnancy and my baby's chances of survival. I was diagnosed with Oligohydramnious (low amniotic fluid). Despite the doctors advice on terminating the pregnancy, we decided to leave it up to God and prayed for a miracle.

September 18- Had an amniocentesis done to rule out any genetic defects.

September 30- Celebrated my 31st birthday

October 3- Received good news from the amniocentisis. We found out that our baby's chromosomes were normal and we also found out that we were having a little BOY! We named him Joshua Matthew.

November 14- Today, we found out the Christina was pregnant. I also went in for my OB appt. Received the worst news of all...that my baby Joshua started to develop fluids in his brain, and that I was leaking a lot of fluid. I was sent to the hospital to have labor induced. I was only 27 weeks pregnant. The doctors told me that my precious baby would probably not survive the labor and if he did, he would only live a very short while. Labor was induced at 6:00pm.

November 15- At 12:28am my precious Joshua was born sleeping. He weighed 1 lb 8 oz and was 10 inches long. My whole family was present in the birthing room and experienced all the joy and then sadness that we all felt of losing Joshua. We held my our precious baby. Held him, hugged him, kissed him, told him we love him and then at 3:30am the doctors finally took our baby Joshua's body for an autopsy.

November 16- Jose and I had to break the news to Brianna and Joseph that their baby brother died and went to heaven. My parents and Jose went to Forest Lawn to prepare Joshua's funeral.

November 20- Saw my precious baby's body again for the first time before the prayer service began. I wanted to take him out of his little coffin, to hold him and pray that all this was just a dream.

November 21- We had a memorial service for Baby Joshua at Forest Lawn-Hollywood Hills. All the love and support we received from friends, families, and co-workers gave us a brief moment of peace...this was also the first I had felt Joshua's presence since his death.

November 22 - Our first Thanksgiving without Joshua. This day was so difficult. I cried and cried so many tears. I tried to be thankful for what I have: for Brianna, for Joseph, for Jose and for my family.

November 24- Jose and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. Although we didn't feel like celebrating, we did because it was our love with God's blessing the Joshua was created, so we went to watch "Wicked."

December 5- Jose and I went to pick out Joshua's memorial tablet...it's beautiful. I can't wait till they install it on his grave.

December 25 - Our first Christmas without Joshua. This day was more difficult than Thanksgiving. We had so many vision's of what this day would be like, and they all included our baby Joshua. I shed so many tears on this day. I also felt Joshua's presence and became joyous in celebrating Christ's life along with my baby Joshua.

December 31- Today is New Years Eve. The very last day of the year 2007. I am anticipating this year leave with both regret and relief. This year has provided me with some of the best days and experiences of my life.

I can thank 2007 for the good health that was given to Brianna, Joseph, Jose and everyone in my family. I am also thankful for the memories of being pregnant and watching Joshua grow inside me. I am thankful for the year 2007, for allowing me to know what it is like to plan a life around becoming a parent for the third time.

Despite being thankful for all the good memories that 2007 brought, I must also curse the year 2007 for giving me this intense pain and grief that I feel of losing my baby Joshua. The year 2007 is the year our baby Joshua died and our lives changed forever.

I have experienced the deepest of sorrow and the strongest of love this year. I have felt and truly understand deeply the love a parent feels for their child. I have felt a sense of peace that comes from the love and prayers from families and friends and I have gained new friends that understand my grief and heartache. I wish I did not know what it is like to see the world through a veil of sorrow. I have cried more tears than anyone should cry in a lifetime. I have learned this year what it is to lose a child.

Good bye to the 2007. The best and worst year of my life. I pray to God that this New Year will be a better one for my family. I pray that 2008 will not be filled with any more pain, sorrow, and death. Most of all, I pray that 2008 will bring and be filled with new life, hope and peace for each and everyone of us.

Tears of Mourning

I wonder if the tears will ever stop? They steadily fall, unpredictably and unexpectedly. These tears are like raindrops that turn into a pool of tears, then into streams, and before we know it it's flows into a rivers. Like spring showers, they come out of no where, beat us down for a time, and then just as suddenly, they dry up. Often inconvenient and unwanted, these signs of mourning, sadness and pain also signify caring, love, joy and even relief. At times, we understand their meaning in our lives....but often times, nothing is clear, often confusing and meaningless. There are days when I just cry for no acknowledgeable reason. Is that really so bad? After all, I've just suffered the greatest loss any parent can suffer...I lost my precious child.

There are days when the death of my baby becomes the death of my dreams, my hopes and my plans, and it leaves me feeling hopeless and powerless. I often remind myself that tears are not the only signs of grieving. There are so many others. Others sometimes tell me to stop crying, as if I can command nature to change it's course. I must and will, cry as long as I need to cry, as often as I feel the need to, because it is through these tears that I am trying to heal the pain I feel inside. How many tears will it take to heal? Why, just as many as are needed. I often try not to cry in front of others. There are times when I remain silent, but tears are flowing inside me. There are times when I would suddenly find myself enjoying something, actually laughing, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere the tears flow again. Does this mean I am forgetting the pain, forgetting my baby and moving forward...no, of course not, because the grief and pain of not being able to hold my baby will remain with me forever. With only sunshine, everything will just burn up. This time of my life is when it rains. Rain brings renewal. It waters the dry earth and in due time, what the rain has watered will bring forth a life that will spring out once it is ready. So let me cry my tears of grief for after the rain comes a rainbow....a symbol of God's promise to each of us.

Although I am going through this storm, I hope and pray that I can continue to look to God for comfort and He shall renew my souls. I know that this so called "season" I am going through is still part of my bereavement...and there will be times of tears, sometimes uncontrollable tears. I have many of those days. I think that's natural because I know I am a good and loving mothers, who love my kids with all my heart. I believe if I was not this kind of a mother, I would not be crying this much and as often for the loss of My precious Joshua. Yet as I said, this season is not perfect. There will be times of laughter in between. I believe that God wants me to have a piece of enjoyment in the midst of pain. Just enough to let me know that He is still there, caring for me, not wanting us to go so deep into despair. It may not be easy, but I'm sure I'll be able to someday find the right balance between the two. If I need to cry -- cry. If I need to laugh -- laugh.

I will try to remember to thank God for both of them, knowing that all things work together for my good/benefit, because I am called according to God's purpose. I will cry when I feel the need to cry...but I will laugh when I can....For now I wait until the gray clouds disappear...impatiently waiting for the weather to get better....waiting until I am reunited with my son again. I may not fully understand God's reason(s) for bringing Joshua home so early, but there is hope for all of us. Although I cannot deny the reality that Joshua is gone from me, he is not gone forever. The greater reality is that Joshua is in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. The power of faith relies not on what we think or feel, but on Who God is. If He says that these little children are close to His Heart, we better believe it! For now, I will be comforted, knowing that I will one day be reunited with Joshua, and together be with the Lord forever.

Empty Arms (Author Unknown)

Holding out these empty arms Cursing my disillusionment Why did I imagine it could be any other way that I could have been content, dreams that’s all it was, Mothers arms are not meant to be empty I look up at the sky, tears filling my eyes, Searching the stars trying to find my angel The brightest star I search for Finding it the first tear rolls down my cheek Memories flood back of our short time together Love totally encasing my heart as I look at that star I know you are there baby I will never forget I just can’t come to accept as I look that you are so far I would have cuddled and loved you kept you safe Within my arms holding you in a tight embrace I will search these skies for you each night But just for now have to leave you in Gods guiding light Sleep well my baby one day my arms and heart will be full again As I join you and give you all that was meant to be.

Waves and Ripples

I was told to expect tidal waves of sadness, pain and grief. I was told the waves will come and go, and so far this has held true. The tidal waves are strong, hitting with no warning. The waves nearly drown me in sorrow and tears, pulling me down with tremendous force. Tumbling under the heavy waves, unable to breathe or see, I am just trying to survive.

The tears flow fast and hard. The sorrow almost unbearable. I ride this wave until somehow, I am spit out on the shore. My body and soul shaken and battered. I am exhausted, hardly able to stand. But I survived. It had nothing to do with strength, only raw survival. After the wave passes, another wave comes along, but this one is of hope and peace. The wave of hope and peace is much smaller, more of a gentle ripple than a wave. This ripple enters my heart and I feel peace. My eyes so red and blurry, can see again. My body so weary and tired, can move again. My breath comes easier. I can smile and even laugh. The weight of my pain and sorrow is a little lighter.

There is some guilt that comes with the ripple of peace and hope. The guilt that creeps in after a good laugh. The guilt of enjoying the company of friends. I hate the guilt. Then the cycle repeats. The tidal wave of tears and pain striking without warning. The small ripple of peace and hope. Then guilt. Over and over and over. Today, as I remember Joshua, I hope that one day the ripples will stay longer and waves not so large. I hope one day, the guilt will bury itself and not be felt. Today I will continue to survive the waves of pain and float on the ripples of peace.

Trying to Find My Way

What does it mean to honor a loved one's memory? How does a mother truly keep alive the memory of her baby? Does sharing my emotions and thoughts count as honoring the memory of my precious Joshua...or am I just sharing these private thoughts as a means to heal myself and release all my pain? I hope these words, while describing my feelings, give mention to my precious Joshua's memory too. How do I keep alive the memory of a newborn baby that very few people knew, but many know of? The only answer I can come up with is this...that Joshua is part of me...who I was and who I will become. I will never be the same person I was prior to his birth. I will never be the same person I was prior to his death. Joshua shaped who I am and who I will become. I am the physical reminder of his memory. We will not get to watch Joshua grow. We will not get to watch Joshua play with Brianna and Joseph...but he lives on through who I am as a person. So, by sharing my emotions and thoughts, I am in someway sharing Joshua with you.

The path I am on and trying to follow is paved by pain, sorrow, confusion, love and most of all Joshua. I hope by traveling this path and sharing my journey with each of you, Joshua will be remembered. Joshua's memory lives on through all of you reading my words. Joshua's memory lives on through all the new friends I have met who have also lost a child and know Joshua's story. Joshua's memory will live on as long as we all remember him and say his name. I hope my words and actions properly honor my sweet Baby Joshua. I hope by healing myself and finding my way on this unmarked path, I am helping others to remember my precious son.

I'll Hold You In Heaven Someday

Children are not suppose to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should be...not the other way around. Now I am left here to grive my Precious Child...Joshua Matthew.

From the very beginning I loved you, as I made plans to hold you and rock you. You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb...but something went wrong and soon you were gone. My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain. I'd never known such heartache and pain. I wonder who you look like, me or daddy. Do you have my smile and his eyes? Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small? We had dreams for you that reached the skies. Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven. I'll hold you in heaven someday, when my trials on earth pass away. The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you. I know you're waiting for me. I could never hold you or tell you "Goodbye," but I'll hold you in heaven someday. Until I can hold you in heaven, know that I will always love you, I will always miss you, and I will always keep you in my heart! Mommy loves you forever baby Joshua!

Joshua's 1st Heavenly Birthday

1 year ago today, my life changed. 1 year ago at 12:28 in the morning on November 15, 2007, Joshua was born sleeping. It was during these early hours last year that the labor pains were incredibly immense and painful. I knew that at that moment, my Joshua was alive and well, waiting to make his entry into our world. At this time last year, our lives were full of hope, waiting for a miracle to come our way.

These are painful memories, and yet I have allowed myself to replay them often in my mind, in my sleep. Those days are so dark, so empty, full of pain, sorrow and grief...and yet those are memories of Joshua's short life. He lived inside me for 7 months, bringing so much joy, happiness, and hope to our hearts.

Today feels as if a thousand years have passed since Joshua's birth and death. A big part of me wants to hold onto the year, the first, even though they can be so painful. But time does not stop for grief, life moves on, and so must I.

Joshua is now celebrating his 1st birthday in heaven. I can only image how glorious his 1st heavenly birthday is. My heart is filled with so much love, because I know that Joshua lives in our hearts, through the sharing of stories about him. It is this peace and love that I will hold onto today. Joshua's spirit offers me peace and love, and it is his love that will help me and guide me on this journey of grief.

Today, we will visit Joshua like we always do, but this time will be different. Today, we will honor our son on his 1st birthday.

Happy 1st birthday Joshua! Mommy, Daddy, Brianna, and Joseph loves you and misses you everyday!

"A Special Birthday"

Please God, make them remember that
Today is a special birthday.
Make them understand that.
The memories don't go away.
Bless them with ears to hear and hearts that care.
Enable them to listen while I share.
Shelter them that they may never know my pain.
Help them to help me know that my child's life was not in vain.
Help them to remember Lord, that I wish
That my child was here
So we could still celebrate.
To understand that I still
Feel the nearness of my child.
To see beyond my smile and the
Words. "I'm okay."
Please God, just let one remember today,
Is a special birthday!

(Author Unknown)