The Journey of Living On

The opening lines of C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" say: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, yawning. I keep on swallowing."

As children, we learn from our parents to mark special dates on our calendars, write dates in our journals, and anticipate the coming of each holidays each year. We are encouraged to make note of special days, like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, making sure that we take the time away from our daily routine to observe and celebrate these special dates.

When my child died, I have had an entirely new attitude on the way I view special anniversaries such as birthdays, a baby's due date, family vacations, or other significant days. These anniversary days that were once anticipated with such joy have now become a source of dread and fear for me.

An ominous feeling overcomes me as Joshua's 1st anniversary of his birthday and death approaches. I've been asking myself, "How will I survive the day?" Joshua's death has been one of the most difficult pains I have had to bear as a mother. The anticipation of his 1 year is heightened by grief and pain as each day draws nearer. They say that "In order to experience the rainbow, we must first survive the storm." Right now…

"One day at a time Is all I can bear. If I can make it through this day, then I can look back tomorrow, and know that I am strong, Even in my weakness. And sometimes being weak, is the only way I can be, at all..."

Tattoo

I miss my baby Joshua so much. I know I say this all the time, but it's true...I really do miss him. Living my life without Joshua is not easy. It is one of the most challenging thing ever asked of me.

As summer slowly begins to fade into fall, I'm finding that all the painful memories seems nearly impossible to forget. 2 more months, and we will be what would have been Joshua's 1st birthday! I wasn't sure what or how to celebrate it...I have two more long months before those memories can be found on a calendar page.

I cannot even begin to describe the agony and the aches that fills me inside. I feel sick with grief of not having my son in my arms...I am covered with an unshakable melancholy, longing to hold Joshua one more time...then out of no where, this image of a heart with Joshua's name and a halo has surrounded my thoughts. What could this image mean...after it all sinks in, I knew that I had to finally dive in, and get a tattoo for Joshua, for Brianna, and for Joseph...A tattoo with my babies' names...to declare my undying love for my children.

It's only fitting that if I'm going to get a tattoo, it should be a tattoo for my kids.

New Beginnings

It's been 1 month and 2 weeks, since we moved to our new home...8 months, 1 week, and 5 days, since we lost our baby boy. No amount of tears I cry can bring back my precious Joshua. It doesn't matter how many figurines or trinkets I place on the mantel with his picture...the emptiness of Joshua not being here can not be filled. Our hearts and home are empty without him. Some days, most days, I feel the fatigue down to my very soul, exhausted crying and missing my baby.

I miss Joshua with all that I am. I miss the life we planned that included him. I miss not having a nursery just for Joshua. I miss the experience I lost of being able to hold him, kiss him, nurse him. I miss Joshua at family gatherings where all the other children are present...all but Joshua! I miss the chance to watch Joshua grow up with Brianna and Joseph! I am exhausted from missing the life I wanted to have with Joshua. I am tired from the weight of my empty arms. My heart is tired the pain I feel of not having my baby. My heart is tired from all the heartaches that is present every minute and every second of every day that I don't have Joshua in my arms.

So if you see me around, surviving the day, know I may smile and even laugh. Know I must live the life I have because I still have Brianna and Joseph that needs me. But also know that I hurt inside and that my heart remains broken. Know that I miss my precious baby boy, Joshua, more and more with each passing day. Know that I am quietly remembering him in the silence of my heart, for each thought of him is a treasure that I will keep while we are now apart.

The Journey Continues

Over time sharing Joshua's story has become easier. The tearful encounters of trembling and barely choking out the words "my baby is dead" are rare now. I can share baby Joshua’s story, share his picture and assure the person on the other side of my story that it’s alright if they asked.

I’m not sure just how or when I became able to live life without the constant dagger of grief stabbing my heart deeply. It is something I never imagined possible. I often ask myself, how can I laugh, a heartfelt laugh, while living without my son? How can peace settle on a heart damaged and scared by grief? I do not ask these questions out of guilt, but rather a curious amazement.

There is no mistaking the Joshua sized hole that is permanently missing from my heart. That can never ever be filled! There will always be an empty space left by Joshua's death. Time has not healed my heart, but rather my heart has somehow grown stronger with the passing of time.

They say time heals all pains. I disagree. I don't think time heals. I think time allows the a broken heart and soul to grow in it's new surroundings. I believe time offers nothing other than moments, not healing. It is our soul and through the warm embrace of God that does the work to find smiles after the tears. While it is true that I carry around a huge burden of grief, which is now a permanent part of who I am, the grief I carry for my son’s death has been shifted so that I can see the light once again. I am thankful to God once again today for the healing that has found my soul.

While watching TV, a question was posed...”If technology was available to erase the memory of our dead child, would we choose to do so? Would the removal of their memory, the pain of their loss, be worth not knowing of their brief existence?”

I knew my answer immediately, without hesitation, without thought...NO! How could I ever consider erasing all knowledge and memory of my baby Joshua? That thought alone causes my stomach to lurch and my heart to ache. Joshua is and always will be my son, my love, my life, my inspiration, and my everything. He has given me so much, that I can not imagine living my life without him.

Am I not already living my life without Joshua? Yes, I live without him physically. I ache to feel his soft skin, feel his warm embrace, smell his baby breath, and feel his warm kiss. Even though he is not here with me, he is much of who I am. Joshua guides my actions and leads me to thoughts on life that would never have come without his light shining the way along this journey of grief. Joshua has taught me to live life fully, taking in the beauty of each moment. I live both with and without him.

Never would I choose to erase all memory of Joshua. I do not think such full erasure is possible anyway. He is in my heart, my soul, my breath and my life. Joshua is a part of me beyond. Joshua grew within my womb and we are a part of each other. Death does not sever our connection completely, because “...A mother’s love for her angel is undying!”

How sad and empty my life would be without knowing of my son. There would be a huge void, larger than the one that currently resides within my heart, dominating my life. If Joshua's life was erased from my conscious memory, I would feel as if something was missing. But the missing piece would be unnamed, unknown and desperately sought after. I know what is missing from my life and I actively choose to remember and seek ways to honor Joshua’s memory.

No, Joshua deserves to be remembered. His life and death are a part of who I am. In the darkest hour it was my children, my family, my God, and my son Joshua, that saved me from total despair and becoming lost in the black void. My love for my children has lifted me from the dark pit of despair more times than I care to number. Joshua's beauty and love have illuminated the darkness and given my life deep meaning. Never, ever would I choose to be ignorant of my son's existence. I love him, in life and in death.

We miss you baby Joshua

My journey in this world without Joshua is not yet complete....but I know when God calls me home, I will be with my son again!

My Journey

Today, I reflect on my journey, and realized that I have come some distance. I know I still have a long way to go, more roads to travel, more paths to cross, but I was surprised at how far I have come in the last 5 months since I've lost my baby Joshua. At first I thought I would be traveling this road alone, but I soon found out that I am not alone...I have someone to hold my hand along the way...someone who is familiar with road!

There are days when I feel so much peace knowing that Joshua is in better place...a place where he is happy, healthy, and with our Lord. Then there are days when I am left with so much pain from not having Joshua, that I feel like my heart will burst from the pain. I know that I can not escape my sorrow and grief forever. These unexpected emotions are much like the waves and storms that I've experienced in the beginning of this journey. Waking to the impending storm is unnerving, but this time, I at least know what is ahead...I try to prepare myself for the force of the waves that will batter my body and soul.

Each that that I am able to survive the waves and storm is a good day. Today, I survived it...hopefully tomorrow will be the same....but no matter what I know that I have to survive the day. What other choice do I have? I just wonder how much longer I have to endure this pain of grief...I am weary and tired. I will continue to weather the storms and the waves that hit the shore of my heart, for the sake of my other children. They are my peace now. I try to hold on to the feeling of peace as long as I can. The lightness and love I feel from them is promising.

I pray that God will continue to sing the promise of happiness and laughter in my heart, so that I too could be alive again. I must always remember that life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain!