After 2 years, my grief has finally settled into my heart, becoming a part of who I am. It no longer feels like its drowning me in it's newness. I hardly search to find stories of new baby-lost mommies. I occasionally check-in from time-to-time and read their stories, but my visits are brief. I guess it's more out of habit and an unsatisfied desire. I am searching for something...but my hunger to find comfort is no longer satisfied through these stories.
I feel like I'm in a strange place right now...not quite sure what to make of my emotions and I do not really know how to accurately describe it. This feeling of displacement leaves me searching for something I have yet to define. It leaves me without familiar words or stories to share with those I was once so close to.
I miss my Joshua and told him so while visiting his grave on Christmas Eve. I am grateful for my son and all the gifts his life bestowed upon me. I remembered my little boy yesterday not through tears, but rather through my smile and the love I carry in my heart. His name is never far from my lips and his love never leaving my heart. I thought of Joshua, but his absence was not the looming presence of years past. His memory has woven itself beautifully into my heart, letting me carry him through the day with love. He is with me in everything I do. He is there when I first wake up and he is there when I lay my head down at the end of the day. He is always here in my heart, and now he is here in love more than sorrow.
All these emotions during the holiday leaves me wanting to cry for all the love that filled my heart. I miss my sweet Joshua and yet the ache that was present the last two years was partially replaced by an intense feeling of thankfulness. I am loved by so many. Joshua is loved and is missed by so many.
For now, I guess I must go through the motions and take it one step at a time...one foot in front of the other, remembering to take a breath.
I am certain that there are others who have stumbled and are still stumbling with me, searching for the feeling of contentment but not knowing where this treasure awaits. There have always been those have gone through this before me. We just have to find each other so that this place of lost will not be unfamiliar any more.
For now my heart is heavy, aching with an undefined desire, and keeping me feeling restless and searching. I welcome the new year and hope that it will be filled with more love, more wonderful memories, and most of all happiness and prosperity. We love you Joshua!
