I am thinking of Joshua as always today. His memory floats in my every thought. I am never without him. I often find myself staring at Joshua’s picture, looking for long moments, time melting into the past. I lovingly study his beautiful face. I can only imagine what Joshua would be like today. I always envision him looking more like his big brother Joseph, with his cute button nose and loveable personality. Joseph and Joshua would be the best of friends. If Joshua were here, Brianna would have had to learn how to deal with two little brothers, instead of just one. It is surprising that it has already been almost 16 months since Joshua’s birth and death. It seems like another life, someone else's life. An impossible reality to wrap my mind around sometimes.
Just then, I start to notice the tears of joy and intense love that I have for this little person who I got to hold in my arms so briefly. My hand reaching toward my son, only inches from my face. As I become captivated by his photo, my heart is transported back in time, into that moment, the moment I lost my baby. It is filled with grief and sorrow. My arms ached to hold my baby boy, to kiss him, and feel him upon my chest…but instead my arms are empty.
Since Joshua’s death, my world has been veiled and distorted by grief’s tears. As each day goes by, sharing Joshua's story has become easier. The tearful encounters and barely choking out the words "my son died" is rare now. The mention of Joshua's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul. As more time passes, though, it is becoming easier to gives thanks for what I have, while still mourning for my sweet Joshua, I can smile through my tears, laugh even in my sadness, and see beauty even through the pain.
I know for myself and many other bereaved parents, that sometimes it is very hard to be thankful for anything. The enormity of our loss seems to surpass everything else. It blinds us to the good things that might be right in front of us. Sometimes I find myself asking what is there to be thankful for when a child has died? Then, I am reminded by the answers…
I am thankful that losing him has given me the wisdom that God’s plan is greater than mine. I am thankful that it will always be impossible to take my other children for granted, since I know what it is like to lose one of them. I am thankful that I know how badly this hurts, so I can be more compassionate to others in pain. I am thankful that I now know what my priorities in life are. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help me on this journey, long after the majority believes I should be over it. I am thankful for all the ways I have to remember my child. I am thankful for being able to keep Joshua safe inside me for 27 weeks, feeling him alive and well. I am thankful that I was able to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him how much I love him. I am thankful that I have a God who understand my pain and is able to handle my anger and fears I had for Him. I am thankful that God has wrapped His loving arms around me in times of grief and pain. I am thankful for the depth of my sorrow, because it is a testament to the depth of my love. I am thankful that the moments of deepest despair do not last forever. Most of all, I am thankful that my Joshua was born in the loving arms of our Lord Jesus, because he will never know the pain and sorrow that we all have gone through.
With that thought, I am sending this message to Joshua in heaven…I love you little man! Mommy misses you so very, very much. I think of you with a smile and a tear, but always with love.
