Over time sharing Joshua's story has become easier. The tearful encounters of trembling and barely choking out the words "my baby is dead" are rare now. I can share baby Joshua’s story, share his picture and assure the person on the other side of my story that it’s alright if they asked.
I’m not sure just how or when I became able to live life without the constant dagger of grief stabbing my heart deeply. It is something I never imagined possible. I often ask myself, how can I laugh, a heartfelt laugh, while living without my son? How can peace settle on a heart damaged and scared by grief? I do not ask these questions out of guilt, but rather a curious amazement.
There is no mistaking the Joshua sized hole that is permanently missing from my heart. That can never ever be filled! There will always be an empty space left by Joshua's death. Time has not healed my heart, but rather my heart has somehow grown stronger with the passing of time.
They say time heals all pains. I disagree. I don't think time heals. I think time allows the a broken heart and soul to grow in it's new surroundings. I believe time offers nothing other than moments, not healing. It is our soul and through the warm embrace of God that does the work to find smiles after the tears. While it is true that I carry around a huge burden of grief, which is now a permanent part of who I am, the grief I carry for my son’s death has been shifted so that I can see the light once again. I am thankful to God once again today for the healing that has found my soul.
While watching TV, a question was posed...”If technology was available to erase the memory of our dead child, would we choose to do so? Would the removal of their memory, the pain of their loss, be worth not knowing of their brief existence?”
I knew my answer immediately, without hesitation, without thought...NO! How could I ever consider erasing all knowledge and memory of my baby Joshua? That thought alone causes my stomach to lurch and my heart to ache. Joshua is and always will be my son, my love, my life, my inspiration, and my everything. He has given me so much, that I can not imagine living my life without him.
Am I not already living my life without Joshua? Yes, I live without him physically. I ache to feel his soft skin, feel his warm embrace, smell his baby breath, and feel his warm kiss. Even though he is not here with me, he is much of who I am. Joshua guides my actions and leads me to thoughts on life that would never have come without his light shining the way along this journey of grief. Joshua has taught me to live life fully, taking in the beauty of each moment. I live both with and without him.
Never would I choose to erase all memory of Joshua. I do not think such full erasure is possible anyway. He is in my heart, my soul, my breath and my life. Joshua is a part of me beyond. Joshua grew within my womb and we are a part of each other. Death does not sever our connection completely, because “...A mother’s love for her angel is undying!”
How sad and empty my life would be without knowing of my son. There would be a huge void, larger than the one that currently resides within my heart, dominating my life. If Joshua's life was erased from my conscious memory, I would feel as if something was missing. But the missing piece would be unnamed, unknown and desperately sought after. I know what is missing from my life and I actively choose to remember and seek ways to honor Joshua’s memory.
No, Joshua deserves to be remembered. His life and death are a part of who I am. In the darkest hour it was my children, my family, my God, and my son Joshua, that saved me from total despair and becoming lost in the black void. My love for my children has lifted me from the dark pit of despair more times than I care to number. Joshua's beauty and love have illuminated the darkness and given my life deep meaning. Never, ever would I choose to be ignorant of my son's existence. I love him, in life and in death.
We miss you baby Joshua
My journey in this world without Joshua is not yet complete....but I know when God calls me home, I will be with my son again!
