Unfamiliar Journey

After 2 years, my grief has finally settled into my heart, becoming a part of who I am. It no longer feels like its drowning me in it's newness. I hardly search to find stories of new baby-lost mommies. I occasionally check-in from time-to-time and read their stories, but my visits are brief. I guess it's more out of habit and an unsatisfied desire. I am searching for something...but my hunger to find comfort is no longer satisfied through these stories.

I feel like I'm in a strange place right now...not quite sure what to make of my emotions and I do not really know how to accurately describe it. This feeling of displacement leaves me searching for something I have yet to define. It leaves me without familiar words or stories to share with those I was once so close to.

I miss my Joshua and told him so while visiting his grave on Christmas Eve. I am grateful for my son and all the gifts his life bestowed upon me. I remembered my little boy yesterday not through tears, but rather through my smile and the love I carry in my heart. His name is never far from my lips and his love never leaving my heart. I thought of Joshua, but his absence was not the looming presence of years past. His memory has woven itself beautifully into my heart, letting me carry him through the day with love. He is with me in everything I do. He is there when I first wake up and he is there when I lay my head down at the end of the day. He is always here in my heart, and now he is here in love more than sorrow.

All these emotions during the holiday leaves me wanting to cry for all the love that filled my heart. I miss my sweet Joshua and yet the ache that was present the last two years was partially replaced by an intense feeling of thankfulness. I am loved by so many. Joshua is loved and is missed by so many.

For now, I guess I must go through the motions and take it one step at a time...one foot in front of the other, remembering to take a breath.

I am certain that there are others who have stumbled and are still stumbling with me, searching for the feeling of contentment but not knowing where this treasure awaits. There have always been those have gone through this before me. We just have to find each other so that this place of lost will not be unfamiliar any more.

For now my heart is heavy, aching with an undefined desire, and keeping me feeling restless and searching. I welcome the new year and hope that it will be filled with more love, more wonderful memories, and most of all happiness and prosperity. We love you Joshua!

Joshua's 2nd Birthday

On this day, two years ago, my son, Joshua Matthew was born sleeping and in the arms of God. Today, as we celebrate Joshua's short life, I begin to feel the longing for the son I gave birth to, exactly two years ago and a desire to maybe try and have another child that we hope to bring into our family and our hearts in the near future. Today, tears of joy and sadness has overwhelmed me, and has reminded me how deeply I still miss Joshua. Even though I do not cry desperate tears very often these days, deep down I know how much Joshua's absence is felt each day. Sometimes I am worried that the absence of tears for my son might mean that I do not miss him as much as I used to. But crying for my son last night and today on his birthday assured me that I do miss my little baby boy as much as I ever have. I am thankful to have cried those tears because they were for Joshua pure and true.

Today, in the calm of the storm, during moments of deep peace, I can reflect back upon my journey and feel proud of myself for having not only survived but actually lived all those painful and joyous moments. I am not drifting aimlessly through life, although sometimes I may feel like a forgotten castaway stuck in mud. I have felt nearly all the range of emotions a human can know, both pleasant and unpleasant. I know the searing heat of grief, the wild fury of anger and the numbing gray of depression. I have been up and down, turned inside out. I have felt the emotions of life and lived to remember them.

With that, all that there is left for me to say is:

"Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday baby Joshua. I can't believe that it's been 2 years already. While you are not here for me to kiss, to touch, to hug, to hold, you are present in our lives in so many ways.

In the quite moments of life, I often feel your presence around me and hear you whisper sweet words in my ears. Baby, I miss you so much and I love you more than ever. While my arms still ache to hold you and my ears strain to hear your sweet voice, I am comforted in knowing that you are safely home with Jesus.

I carry you in my heart each day and know that when I am called home, I will be with you again, I can only imagine the glorious celebration you are having in heaven. We love you so very much Joshua! Your presence in our lives, though brief, was and is a precious gift that we will cherish forever."

I love you forever and always Joshua!

Cleaning House for 2010

Last Week I threw out worrying, it was getting old and in the way.

It kept me from being me; I couldn't do things God's way.

I threw out a book on MY PAST
(Didn't have time to read it anyway).

Replaced it with NEW GOALS, started reading it today.

I threw out hate and bad memories,
(Remember how I treasured them so)?

Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too, threw out the one from long ago.

Brought in some new books too, called I CAN, I WILL, and I MUST.

Threw out I might, I think and I ought.
WOW, you should've seen the dust.

I ran across an OLD FRIEND, I hadn't talked to in a while.

His name is GOD the Father, and I really like His style.

He helped me to do some cleaning and added some things Himself.

Like PRAYER, HOPE, FAITH and LOVE,
Yes... I placed them right on the shelf..

I picked up this special thing and placed it at the front door.

I FOUND IT- it's called PEACE.. Nothing gets me down anymore.

Yes, I've got my house looking nice.

Looks good around the place.

For things like Worry and Trouble there just isn't any space.

It's good to do a little house cleaning,
Get rid of the things on the shelf.

It sure makes things brighter; maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.
BE BLESSED AND BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!
May the Lord open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that
You will not have room enough to receive it all.

May the Lord bless you exceedingly abundantly above all you could ever
Hope for.

My Never Ending Grief

I was watching the Season Premiere of "Grey's Anatomy" the other night and the story line was about grief and how there are 5 stages of grief:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

For all bereved parents like me, who have lost a baby, I think we can all agree that grief does not occur in stages, but rather in waves...each one overlapping the other at various times, at various intervals and at various intensities. One of the characters on the show (Meridith Grey) said someting that resonated most with me...

“The minute you think you’re over it, it starts all over again.”

That’s where I’m at these days. Waves of emotions rushes from out of nowhere.

My personal experience with grief has been eye opening. I have realized that grief isn't simply a mental condition; it is a profound sadness, which affected me both physically and emotionally. After 1 year, 10 months, 1 week, and 5 days, just when I think I’m okay, the grief starts in again. Tears begin to fall. Nothing new has happened to bring this on...it’s still the same loss! I’m still the same me I was after Joshua died.

Just like the ocean, my grief is vast, powerful, and sometimes consuming. There are days when it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over me and knocks me off my feet, takes my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning.

I know that although I do not like feeling this way, I have to let the wave wash over me, because I know it will eventually recede and I will again be able to regain my footing.

There are times when I think my grief is diminishing...but like the ocean, the tide is just going out, so the waves of grief that hit me will become less frequent and less intense. But just as I think the waves of pain and grief has finally subsided, the tide will come in again. I must learn to be prepared, so that when my grief l resurfaces when I least expect it, it will not take me by surprise again, and won't knock me down so hard. The pain I feel of not being able to hold my son Joshua, still takes my breath away...for this is the nature of grief.

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny." Psalm 73:16-17

Forgiveness

This past few weeks, God has been penetrating my heart in a deeper way than ever before with the message of what true forgiveness means. A hurtful situation in my life has brought this issue to the surface in the last few weeks.

As a woman, it very easy to be quick-tempered and to let my feelings and emotions rule, rather than let the Spirit of God work within me. I'm sure many of you can relate. When someone hurts us, our fleshly side wants to cling to that hurt, to meditate upon it, and to hold that person in contention for the rest of his or her life. When someone offends us, we have the tendency to pout, sulk, act moody and to say critical and cutting things about them to others. For some reason, our flesh convinces us that being bitter toward those who hurt us is our God-given right. But the opposite is true. Christ spoke in no uncertain terms about the necessity of forgiving (Matthew 18:21-35). As Christ says, we have been forgiven so much by our Lord, when we were so utterly undeserving of His pardon. What right do we have to then turn and refuse to forgive those who hurt us?

As I surrendered my hurt and my anger to the Lord, the most incredible thing happened..my heart was filled with love and peace for the person that has hurt me and I was reminded once again that forgiveness is not primarily a matter of feeling, but a matter of choice; a decision to obey God's word. All we have to do is simply say, “Lord, I choose to let this go; to give this offense to You instead of carrying it!” God will do the rest and supply the willingness, the love, and the compassion we need to live it out.

Our hurt may be strong, but praise God that His love is far stronger!

Some People (Author Unknown)

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. Who has left footprints on your heart? I found this on a website and it got me thinking, who has left footprints on my heart? The answer...my husband, my children, my family, and my friends!

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same. Some people come into our lives and quickly go... Some stay for awhile and embrace our silent dreams. They help us become aware of the delicate winds of hope...and we discover within every human spirit there are wings yearning to fly.

They help our hearts to see that the only stairway to the stars is woven with dreams...and we find ourselves unafraid to reach high. They celebrate the true essence of who we are...and have faith in all that we may become.

Some people awaken us to new and deeper realizations...for we gain insight from the passing whisper of their wisdom Throughout our lives we are sent precious souls...meant to share our journey however brief or lasting their stay they remind us why we are here:

To learn... to teach... to nurture... to love

Some people come into our lives to cast a steady light upon our path and guide our every step their shining belief in us
helps us to believe in ourselves. Some people come into our lives to teach us about love...The love that rests within ourselves.

Let us reach out to others and feel the bliss of giving for love is far richer in action that it ever is in words.

Some people come into our lives and they move our souls to sing and make our spirits dance. They help us to see that everything on earth is part of the incredibility of life...and that it is always there for us to take of its joy.

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.

The Road of Life (Author Unknown)

As you travel through life, there are always those times when decisions just have to be made, when the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce, and the rain seems to soak your parade!

There are some situations where all you can do is to simply let go and move on, gather courage together, and choose a direction that carries you toward a new dawn.

Still placing 1 foot in front of the other. It sure does seem like I'm on a 1,000 mile journey!

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward. The process of change can be tough, but think about all the excitement ahead if you can be stalwart enough!

There could be adventures you never imagined just waiting around the next bend, and wishes and dreams just about to come true in ways you can’t yet comprehend!

Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new interests as you challenge your status quo and learn there are so many
options in life, and so many ways you can grow!

Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected, and see things that you’ve never seen, or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds and wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring, a “somebody special” who’s there to help you stay centered and listen with interest to stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends are supportive of all that you do and believe that whatever decisions you make, they’ll be the right choices for you!

So keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking your life day by day.

There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road. Don’t look back, you’re not going that way!

Who Joshua Would Be Today

I am thinking of Joshua as always today. His memory floats in my every thought. I am never without him. I often find myself staring at Joshua’s picture, looking for long moments, time melting into the past. I lovingly study his beautiful face. I can only imagine what Joshua would be like today. I always envision him looking more like his big brother Joseph, with his cute button nose and loveable personality. Joseph and Joshua would be the best of friends. If Joshua were here, Brianna would have had to learn how to deal with two little brothers, instead of just one. It is surprising that it has already been almost 16 months since Joshua’s birth and death. It seems like another life, someone else's life. An impossible reality to wrap my mind around sometimes.

Just then, I start to notice the tears of joy and intense love that I have for this little person who I got to hold in my arms so briefly. My hand reaching toward my son, only inches from my face. As I become captivated by his photo, my heart is transported back in time, into that moment, the moment I lost my baby. It is filled with grief and sorrow. My arms ached to hold my baby boy, to kiss him, and feel him upon my chest…but instead my arms are empty.

Since Joshua’s death, my world has been veiled and distorted by grief’s tears. As each day goes by, sharing Joshua's story has become easier. The tearful encounters and barely choking out the words "my son died" is rare now. The mention of Joshua's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul. As more time passes, though, it is becoming easier to gives thanks for what I have, while still mourning for my sweet Joshua, I can smile through my tears, laugh even in my sadness, and see beauty even through the pain.

I know for myself and many other bereaved parents, that sometimes it is very hard to be thankful for anything. The enormity of our loss seems to surpass everything else. It blinds us to the good things that might be right in front of us. Sometimes I find myself asking what is there to be thankful for when a child has died? Then, I am reminded by the answers…

I am thankful that losing him has given me the wisdom that God’s plan is greater than mine. I am thankful that it will always be impossible to take my other children for granted, since I know what it is like to lose one of them. I am thankful that I know how badly this hurts, so I can be more compassionate to others in pain. I am thankful that I now know what my priorities in life are. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help me on this journey, long after the majority believes I should be over it. I am thankful for all the ways I have to remember my child. I am thankful for being able to keep Joshua safe inside me for 27 weeks, feeling him alive and well. I am thankful that I was able to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him how much I love him. I am thankful that I have a God who understand my pain and is able to handle my anger and fears I had for Him. I am thankful that God has wrapped His loving arms around me in times of grief and pain. I am thankful for the depth of my sorrow, because it is a testament to the depth of my love. I am thankful that the moments of deepest despair do not last forever. Most of all, I am thankful that my Joshua was born in the loving arms of our Lord Jesus, because he will never know the pain and sorrow that we all have gone through.

With that thought, I am sending this message to Joshua in heaven…I love you little man! Mommy misses you so very, very much. I think of you with a smile and a tear, but always with love.