My Never Ending Grief

I was watching the Season Premiere of "Grey's Anatomy" the other night and the story line was about grief and how there are 5 stages of grief:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

For all bereved parents like me, who have lost a baby, I think we can all agree that grief does not occur in stages, but rather in waves...each one overlapping the other at various times, at various intervals and at various intensities. One of the characters on the show (Meridith Grey) said someting that resonated most with me...

“The minute you think you’re over it, it starts all over again.”

That’s where I’m at these days. Waves of emotions rushes from out of nowhere.

My personal experience with grief has been eye opening. I have realized that grief isn't simply a mental condition; it is a profound sadness, which affected me both physically and emotionally. After 1 year, 10 months, 1 week, and 5 days, just when I think I’m okay, the grief starts in again. Tears begin to fall. Nothing new has happened to bring this on...it’s still the same loss! I’m still the same me I was after Joshua died.

Just like the ocean, my grief is vast, powerful, and sometimes consuming. There are days when it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over me and knocks me off my feet, takes my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning.

I know that although I do not like feeling this way, I have to let the wave wash over me, because I know it will eventually recede and I will again be able to regain my footing.

There are times when I think my grief is diminishing...but like the ocean, the tide is just going out, so the waves of grief that hit me will become less frequent and less intense. But just as I think the waves of pain and grief has finally subsided, the tide will come in again. I must learn to be prepared, so that when my grief l resurfaces when I least expect it, it will not take me by surprise again, and won't knock me down so hard. The pain I feel of not being able to hold my son Joshua, still takes my breath away...for this is the nature of grief.

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny." Psalm 73:16-17

Forgiveness

This past few weeks, God has been penetrating my heart in a deeper way than ever before with the message of what true forgiveness means. A hurtful situation in my life has brought this issue to the surface in the last few weeks.

As a woman, it very easy to be quick-tempered and to let my feelings and emotions rule, rather than let the Spirit of God work within me. I'm sure many of you can relate. When someone hurts us, our fleshly side wants to cling to that hurt, to meditate upon it, and to hold that person in contention for the rest of his or her life. When someone offends us, we have the tendency to pout, sulk, act moody and to say critical and cutting things about them to others. For some reason, our flesh convinces us that being bitter toward those who hurt us is our God-given right. But the opposite is true. Christ spoke in no uncertain terms about the necessity of forgiving (Matthew 18:21-35). As Christ says, we have been forgiven so much by our Lord, when we were so utterly undeserving of His pardon. What right do we have to then turn and refuse to forgive those who hurt us?

As I surrendered my hurt and my anger to the Lord, the most incredible thing happened..my heart was filled with love and peace for the person that has hurt me and I was reminded once again that forgiveness is not primarily a matter of feeling, but a matter of choice; a decision to obey God's word. All we have to do is simply say, “Lord, I choose to let this go; to give this offense to You instead of carrying it!” God will do the rest and supply the willingness, the love, and the compassion we need to live it out.

Our hurt may be strong, but praise God that His love is far stronger!