Heavenly Celebration

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know you’re wondering how I’ll celebrate my 3rd birthday in heaven. I know you’re missing me most today. I feel your essence near.

God planned a special day for me. He told me with a wink. He’d ordered me a special cake (It’s Angel food, I think)

I’m getting lots of hugs from God. He’s really good at that...And every time that I walk by, He gives my head a pat.

Heaven will be filled with balloons or me. They float up through the clouds...And we have lots of clowns up here. That make us laugh out loud.

There is a birthday carousel, jeweled horses ride the wind with music playing oh so sweet…the magic never ends

I’ve made so many friends, you see. We laugh and play and sing. We ride our bikes and play jump rope...and sleep in Angel’s wings.

We’ll have our cake and ice cream, and open gifts, surprise! But we don’t blow out our candles here...Instead, they light the skies.

Love Letters to Heaven

We will be sending our "Love Letters to Heaven" via balloon release tomorrow for Baby Joshua's 3rd Heavenly Birthday. We love you and miss you baby!

"Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to Joshua, happy birthday to me!"

In my mind, I imagine Joshua whispering these words as he gets ready to head to our Lord's heavenly home to celebrate his third heavenly birthday. I can only imagine what God has prepared for my Joshua's birthday. I am sure He has planned a huge party for Joshua in heaven. All the angels and heavenly babies will be there.

As Joshua separates the clouds with his two tiny hands, so he can see the balloons we are sending his way...he sees the tear drops falling on our faces. Joshua ask God, "Why are they crying on my birthday, Jesus? This is a happy day for me!" God takes Joshua's hand and tells him, "Your family misses you very much. Do not worry little one. They will be okay. When it's their time, I will call them home, so that you can all be together again. They love you so much little one!"

Happy Birthday my love. I love you and miss you so much!

A Mother's Prayer

God has entrusted me with the most precious gifts...my children. A mother's love means a life of devotion and sometimes a life of sacrifice. Every mother prays for her children's safety and that they will grow up healthy and strong. A mother's love is never ending!

I wanted to share this beautiful song to inspire all mothers to pray over their children and to thank God for the privileged He has given us of becoming mothers.

Click on the title of the song to listen to this beautiful music.

I dedicate this song to my beautiful children, Brianna, Joseph, and Joshua. I love you with all my heart.



"A Mother’s Prayer (HANNAH'S SONG)"
by Rachel Aldous

My sweet baby on loan from above.
No better treasure could I more love.
I stand here beside your bed as I pray
I lay my hand on your head and I say:

May you grow up to serve Him all of your days.
May He lead you and guide you in all of your ways.
May His hand bless your future with friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth and not grow up too fast

I stare in wonder at your tiny frame.
Just to think that God knows you by name.
He knows every hair on your beautiful head.
He knows your thoughts before they are said.

May you grow up to serve Him all of your days
May He lead you and guide you in all of your ways.
May His Hand bless your future with friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth and not grow up too fast.

Prayer:
May God grant you peace in the midst of a storm.
May God give you strength even when you’re forlorn.
May you answer the door when Jesus comes knocking.
May wisdom guide when your mouth is talking.
May discretion protect you and keep you pure.
May you never stumble or fall for a lure.
May your heart remain humble to the very end.
May uprightness and truth be what you defend.
May the world not ensnare or change who you are.
May the light that's within you shine like the stars.
May angels surround you body, spirit, mind.
May favor and peace be yours to find.
May rejection and pain never reach you.
May your spirit grow bold for what you’re called to.

As you rest in God’s care I will rest, too.
Knowing that Jesus is watching over you.

Amen

I love you, Mommy…

Time Passing By

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

I haven't posted in months...honestly I haven't had the time, nor anything in particular to write about. And, since not many read my postings here, I haven't felt as though my dribble would be missed.

Life is heavier than I would like it to be. I find myself overwhelmed by the many roles that I must play on a daily basis. Lately, I don’t have much energy or motivation to do much these days. I had hand surgery 3 weeks ago, and it’s been difficult for me to do just about anything. The stitches finally came out 3 days ago, and while my hand is still recovering, I felt the need to write and release some of the feeling that I have been bottling up inside, even if I have to type with one hand.


It’s been a month since we last visited Joshua’s grave. I’m not sure why I stayed away for so long. We usually visit him every week, but for some unspoken reason, I stayed away…not because I don’t miss him. On the contrary…it’s because I have missed him so much, that being there by his grave side only made me miss him more.

They say time heals all wounds, but I believe that time doesn’t heal anything…time simply passes. It is what we do with our lives while time is passing that either helps us, heals us or keeps us stuck. Don’t get me wrong. It will be almost 3 years since Joshua’s birth and death, and it still doesn't get easier. My heart will always be filled with wonders of what it would have been like to have him here with us. It will always long for my son who is not in my arms. Our lives will never be fully complete without him.

I am amazed at how time can both simultaneously fly by and crawl by at the same time. It’s as if it was only yesterday, when I was pregnant with Joshua…when I gave birth to him and held him in my arms for the first and last time. Yet at the same time, it feels like forever since I last saw his angelic face. There is so much that I very clearly remember about this day three years go; and yet other details are starting to become blurry, despite my best effort to remember everything. Has it really been almost three years? 


I’ve asked myself how will we celebrate Joshua’s 3rd birthday this year? It's a strange thing to figure out how to celebrate the third birthday of your child who is no longer here. I am not sure I will ever feel celebratory on November 15th... bittersweet seems to be more accurate. The bitter reality that Joshua is no longer here, and yet a I carry with me sweet memories of being privileged enough to have been chosen as him mom.

While life remains good, I continue to remind myself to live one day at a time and to put one foot in front of the other. My husband and I are so thankful for Brianna and Joseph…it is because of them that we are forced to live "in the moment" and kept us laughing on the most difficult of days. Our God is so good and even in the midst of our sadness it is so evident that He is working in our families lives. For now, I will continue to ask God to lift my head from the clouds that I find myself in at time. I am faithful that He will, because I know He won't give me more than I can handle, even though it doesn't always feel that way.

Before the Morning...

It's been some time since I last wrote a post...with much content, life has been so full, good, beautiful... but also hard. Joshua's big brother and big sister are getting so big. Summer is here, so they like to be out in the sun. We've visited Joshua several times this summer...although not quite as often I would have liked. We miss him so much.

Last week, the kids and I were watching their birth videos and out of the blue, they started to cry. They asked if I had a video of baby Joshua, but sadly no, because his birth was unexpected. They cried and said that they miss their baby brother. Tears began to fall from my eyes as well. I've learned that although the pain of losing my son is not as intense as it was in the beginning , it is something that will always be there and it will never completely go away. As the years pass, my heart has slowly began to heal, but the pain never goes away. There are days when I find myself gasping for air, but I have accepted and welcomed my circumstances. I love who my circumstances have made me, because it's has helped me to love a little more selflessly with compassion. God gets all the glory because it was all Him! I praise God for all He has done to help me get through these difficulties, and for what He has accomplished in me. He has blessed me beyond what I could think or even hope for.

I saw this passage from Romans 5:1-5 and I really think it describes what my trials have done for me.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."


I know there are other like me who are going through difficult circumstances and I just wanted to take the time and encourage them with the lyrics to this song I heard today. I can testify- that every word in this song is true, so hang in there.

Click here to listen watch and listen to "Before the Morning"

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

The Lupinators....

As you may or may not know, my sister, Christina, currently battles the autoimmune disease lupus. It is chronic, life-threatening, and can be disabling. Christina is one of the strongest people I know, and despite the many ups and downs she has experienced living with the disease she has remained optimistic, and continues to work tirelessly to take care of her family. The disease has caused her excruciating pain from the flare ups of lupus, and has now also begun affecting her organs and everything else in her daily living.

Since I cannot walk in her shoes, I'll walk beside her and her family on September 25th, along with the rest of our "Lupinators" friends and family, in the Walk for Lupus Now in her honor to raise funds for the Lupus Foundation of America (LFA). No matter what, we'll always walk together because we are family.

The cure is out there and I hope you will consider making a tax deductible donation to this great cause, and help me reach my goal! It’s easy to do – just click on any of the links below to support me or my family and complete the donation process. I really appreciate your help!

http://donate.lupus.org/goto/teamlupinators

http://donate.lupus.org/goto/brianna

http://donate.lupus.org/goto/joseph

For those unfamiliar with Lupus: It is estimated that 1.5 million Americans have a form of lupus, an acute and chronic (lifelong) autoimmune disease in which the immune system is unbalanced, causing inflammation and tissue damage to virtually every organ system in the body. November 2008 marked 50 years since a drug has been approved for the treatment of lupus.

There is hope on the horizon, and with your help we can find better treatments and a cure.

Making a difference starts with one step. Thank you for taking this step!

My Daughter's Birthday

Our little girl celebrated her 8th birthday today. It seem like only yesterday, when I first held her in my arms and thinking what a wonderful blessing she is. Each passing day, each passing year, we watch her grow and play. She is growing up so fast, and I just want it to last. I want to enjoy every little second with her and cherish all the memories we make together. Her father and I hope that she knows how much we love her. Through every smile and every tear, and every cry that brings fear, we will be with her always.

On this day, eight years ago, you were born. It was the most glorious day of my life...knowing you has changed me. Brianna, you are our fairy tale ending come true. We pray that God will continue to bless your life and keep you safe always. Most of all, we pray that you will walk with us In step...as we go, so that we can guide you and be there for you always. Daddy and I love you very much. Happy 8th Birthday!

Gifts of Love...

It has been raining these past few days, and I must admit that I don't mind it at all...the rain hides the tears I cry for my son Joshua. It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years and 3 months since he went to heaven. February was his original due date. February 10th to be exact. A baby born out of love.

Today, the rain finally ceased, for the moment at least, and the rainbow was out for all to admire it's beautiful colors. As much as I wanted to stay inside my "nest" (that's what my husband refers to when I'm snug in bed), where it's nice and warm, and just cuddle with my kids, I decided that it would be a good day to come out and feel the warm sun on my face.



We gathered the Valentine decorations we bought for Joshua, and decided to start celebrating Valentine's Day early. My hubby and the kids visited our angel in heaven, and decorated his grave with hearts and flowers. The kids were so inspired that they even offered to help clean the other baby angels graves. Some of these angels graves had not been visited for a while and needed a little love and care, so it was nice for the kids to think of them. This was our way of sharing and spreading a little love to others. We may not know what happened to these little angels, and where their parents are, but it's the little act of kindness that means the most.



With that, I want to make sure to tell my husband, "Thank you for being by my side. For comforting and caring when I was all confused inside...For the phone calls you make every day, just to tell me “I love you” every minute of the day." For my kids, "Thank you both for you always seem to know when I need a hug, kiss or a smile…These are the best gifts I could ever receive!"

This coming Valentine's Day, the Gift of Love, Friendship, and Family are the best Gift we can give to those we love, so remember to go all out for love...

Draw Me a Picture

By Joseph (Drew @ Age 5)


By Brianna (Drew @ Age 6)


Even before the development of speech, drawing offers children a means of self-expression and also allows them to explore ideas and feelings. Children's drawings are truthful representations of the world as they know it, and they communicate creative and imaginative thoughts and feelings through the pictures they draw.

While organizing some my file cabinet, I found several drawings that my children have done over the they years. It brings back memories of when they were little, and just barely learning to hold a pencil or a crayon. Their first pictures were scribbles of lines and zigzags. It is only through the little notes on the sides that I can make out what Brianna or Joseph's picture was about. Then there are the "tadpole" drawings, where parts of a face, a feet a nose, and eyes begin to emerge. Presently, the images and figures are more advanced. The images are a little bit more clearer and a little bit more recognizable, and I can recognize if it's a drawing of a boy or a girl. Clothings are now visible, and take the place of the body, and the arms and legs are longer. It's so much fun to see the different stages of their drawings.

I came across these two pictures that Brianna and Joseph made for me last year. I love it when my kids makes me a special drawing of our family, especially when Joshua is included in the picture. It brings joy and tears to my heart that Brianna and Joseph remember their baby brother. It was important for my husband and I to keep the memory alive of our baby Joshua, by visiting his grave with the kids and letting them be a part of the visit by helping to choose the flowers or toys we bring to his grave.