Trying to Find My Way

What does it mean to honor a loved one's memory? How does a mother truly keep alive the memory of her baby? Does sharing my emotions and thoughts count as honoring the memory of my precious Joshua...or am I just sharing these private thoughts as a means to heal myself and release all my pain? I hope these words, while describing my feelings, give mention to my precious Joshua's memory too. How do I keep alive the memory of a newborn baby that very few people knew, but many know of? The only answer I can come up with is this...that Joshua is part of me...who I was and who I will become. I will never be the same person I was prior to his birth. I will never be the same person I was prior to his death. Joshua shaped who I am and who I will become. I am the physical reminder of his memory. We will not get to watch Joshua grow. We will not get to watch Joshua play with Brianna and Joseph...but he lives on through who I am as a person. So, by sharing my emotions and thoughts, I am in someway sharing Joshua with you.

The path I am on and trying to follow is paved by pain, sorrow, confusion, love and most of all Joshua. I hope by traveling this path and sharing my journey with each of you, Joshua will be remembered. Joshua's memory lives on through all of you reading my words. Joshua's memory lives on through all the new friends I have met who have also lost a child and know Joshua's story. Joshua's memory will live on as long as we all remember him and say his name. I hope my words and actions properly honor my sweet Baby Joshua. I hope by healing myself and finding my way on this unmarked path, I am helping others to remember my precious son.

I'll Hold You In Heaven Someday

Children are not suppose to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should be...not the other way around. Now I am left here to grive my Precious Child...Joshua Matthew.

From the very beginning I loved you, as I made plans to hold you and rock you. You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb...but something went wrong and soon you were gone. My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain. I'd never known such heartache and pain. I wonder who you look like, me or daddy. Do you have my smile and his eyes? Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small? We had dreams for you that reached the skies. Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven. I'll hold you in heaven someday, when my trials on earth pass away. The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you. I know you're waiting for me. I could never hold you or tell you "Goodbye," but I'll hold you in heaven someday. Until I can hold you in heaven, know that I will always love you, I will always miss you, and I will always keep you in my heart! Mommy loves you forever baby Joshua!

Joshua's 1st Heavenly Birthday

1 year ago today, my life changed. 1 year ago at 12:28 in the morning on November 15, 2007, Joshua was born sleeping. It was during these early hours last year that the labor pains were incredibly immense and painful. I knew that at that moment, my Joshua was alive and well, waiting to make his entry into our world. At this time last year, our lives were full of hope, waiting for a miracle to come our way.

These are painful memories, and yet I have allowed myself to replay them often in my mind, in my sleep. Those days are so dark, so empty, full of pain, sorrow and grief...and yet those are memories of Joshua's short life. He lived inside me for 7 months, bringing so much joy, happiness, and hope to our hearts.

Today feels as if a thousand years have passed since Joshua's birth and death. A big part of me wants to hold onto the year, the first, even though they can be so painful. But time does not stop for grief, life moves on, and so must I.

Joshua is now celebrating his 1st birthday in heaven. I can only image how glorious his 1st heavenly birthday is. My heart is filled with so much love, because I know that Joshua lives in our hearts, through the sharing of stories about him. It is this peace and love that I will hold onto today. Joshua's spirit offers me peace and love, and it is his love that will help me and guide me on this journey of grief.

Today, we will visit Joshua like we always do, but this time will be different. Today, we will honor our son on his 1st birthday.

Happy 1st birthday Joshua! Mommy, Daddy, Brianna, and Joseph loves you and misses you everyday!

"A Special Birthday"

Please God, make them remember that
Today is a special birthday.
Make them understand that.
The memories don't go away.
Bless them with ears to hear and hearts that care.
Enable them to listen while I share.
Shelter them that they may never know my pain.
Help them to help me know that my child's life was not in vain.
Help them to remember Lord, that I wish
That my child was here
So we could still celebrate.
To understand that I still
Feel the nearness of my child.
To see beyond my smile and the
Words. "I'm okay."
Please God, just let one remember today,
Is a special birthday!

(Author Unknown)