Growing up too fast...

They say time flies when your having fun! Yesterday, while shopping for groceries, Brianna found a box full of giant stuff animals! She immediately began rummaging through, trying to find her favorite animals...dinosaurs, wolves, and alligators! 

As she digs through the pile, I couldn't help but watch my pre-teen enjoy herself. Her child-like mentality was still so innocent! Then I began to realize that she is growing up right before my eyes. It seemed like only yesterday, when I vividly recall a little baby girl barely learning how to walk and talk, and now all of a sudden, here she is, growing up to be a young lady. Where did the time go? Before I know it, she'll be going to high school, and then college. I wanted to so desperately slow time down, and just cherish this moment...watching her still act like a child, with no cares in the world.

From a distance, I can hear her laughing as she piles her favorite ones on top of her. Then I hear her sweet voice say, "Mom...can I take them home with us?" We laugh and at that moment, this was an image and memory I wanted to capture forever...I snapped the picture not only in my memory, but also in digital, so that one day, when she is much older, we can reminisce on the fun we have.

After taking the picture, I am slowly pulled back into reality and realize that it was time to finish what we came there to do, and that playtime was now over. Hopefully, it won't be too long, until we have another moments like this! 

Brianna, please don't grow up too fast! Your dad and I still want to enjoy watching you grow! :)

Save A Place For Me

"Save A Place For Me"
By Matthew West

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good
To have the weight of this world
Off Your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with You

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had You here
So You just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there

I wanna live my life just like You did
And make the most of my time just like You did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like You did, oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad

 

Dad's 1st Heavenly Birthday!

Dad,

 

I can't believe its been 53 days since you've been gone. Words cannot express how deeply I miss you, and the turmoil my heart feels has been unbearable. As much as I miss you, I am thankful that you are no longer in pain. You have a new heavenly body and you are with our Lord Jesus. I love trying to picture you running into the arms of Jesus, and hearing Him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant! Today you will be with Me in paradise!"

 

Today, will be the first of many...Today, you celebrate your first heavenly birthdays with Jesus in Heaven. I can only imagine what a glorious celebration that will be! I imagine baby Joshua running into your arms, singing "Happy Birthday Lolo!" Then he would tell you that next month, it will be his turn to celebrate his 6th Heavenly Birthday and how excited he is that you will be there! It's these happy thoughts that run inside my mind, that helps me get through each day without you both by my side. Today you would have celebrated your 67th birthday. How I wish we could be together again, so I can tell you how much I love you and how thankful I am to have you as my dad! I guess for now, I must send my love and birthday hugs and kisses to you in heaven.

 

The next few months will be rough for all of us, as we will be experiencing our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without you...without your jokes, without your laughs, and without your hugs. It just won’t be the same without you by our side. 

 

Happy 67th Birthday and Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Dad!

 

I miss you more than words can ever express, and I can’t wait until we see each other again. I love you Dad!

*P.S. The day started out gloomy and rainy. I guess it was God's way of reminding me that life isn't about waiting for storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain. Thanks for asking God to let the sun come out so we can visit your grave to decorate for your birthday! I hope you and Joshua had fun chasing after the balloons we sent you! 

 

♥I love you♥

The Bend on the road...

When someone you love dies there is no fixing that immense grief we experience. Someday, I hope I will be able to live with the grief, instead of living in the grief. 

I miss my son and my dad every day...for the rest of my life, I will miss them, until I see their faces and hear their sweet voice in Heaven. For the rest of my life, I will miss them, until I can wrap my arms around them and stand in their presence in eternal rest and say, "I missed you both  so much!"

I've learned to just say "thank you," when I hear people try to comfort me with words, thinking it will ease my pain. Saying things like "They are in a better place";  "He's not suffering anymore"; "Life goes on"; "Now you have your own angel";"Time heals all wounds!" When I hear these words, it simply diminishes my grief. I know that is not their intent...it's simply a way to not only try and make me feel better, but to also make that person feel better as well.

In my previous post entitled "My Never Ending Grief," I write about how the minute you think you’re over something, the emotions starts all over again...just like the waves in the ocean, there will be days when it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over me and knocks me off my feet, takes my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning. This is when I have to let the waves wash over me, because I know it will eventually recede and I will again be able to regain my footing.

The pain I feel of losing my dad, brought back all the painful memories I had of not being able to hold my son Joshua. To this day, it still takes my breath away...for this is the nature of grief.

Through this journey, I've learned that finding new joy and happiness, will not cause me to stop loving and grieving for my dad and son. The Bible says that there are three things in life that last forever...faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love. Love goes on forever.The same is true of faith and hope. By choosing to live in these three, helps us to make sense of the chaos we call life...It makes even the grief we experience just a little bit bearable!

"A bend on the road is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make a turn!"

For now, my journey continues...I will not let a bend on the road stop me from loving life, and having faith and hope that one day, I will be with the Lord, with my dad, and with my son in Heaven.