Tears of Mourning

I wonder if the tears will ever stop? They steadily fall, unpredictably and unexpectedly. These tears are like raindrops that turn into a pool of tears, then into streams, and before we know it it's flows into a rivers. Like spring showers, they come out of no where, beat us down for a time, and then just as suddenly, they dry up. Often inconvenient and unwanted, these signs of mourning, sadness and pain also signify caring, love, joy and even relief. At times, we understand their meaning in our lives....but often times, nothing is clear, often confusing and meaningless. There are days when I just cry for no acknowledgeable reason. Is that really so bad? After all, I've just suffered the greatest loss any parent can suffer...I lost my precious child.

There are days when the death of my baby becomes the death of my dreams, my hopes and my plans, and it leaves me feeling hopeless and powerless. I often remind myself that tears are not the only signs of grieving. There are so many others. Others sometimes tell me to stop crying, as if I can command nature to change it's course. I must and will, cry as long as I need to cry, as often as I feel the need to, because it is through these tears that I am trying to heal the pain I feel inside. How many tears will it take to heal? Why, just as many as are needed. I often try not to cry in front of others. There are times when I remain silent, but tears are flowing inside me. There are times when I would suddenly find myself enjoying something, actually laughing, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere the tears flow again. Does this mean I am forgetting the pain, forgetting my baby and moving forward...no, of course not, because the grief and pain of not being able to hold my baby will remain with me forever. With only sunshine, everything will just burn up. This time of my life is when it rains. Rain brings renewal. It waters the dry earth and in due time, what the rain has watered will bring forth a life that will spring out once it is ready. So let me cry my tears of grief for after the rain comes a rainbow....a symbol of God's promise to each of us.

Although I am going through this storm, I hope and pray that I can continue to look to God for comfort and He shall renew my souls. I know that this so called "season" I am going through is still part of my bereavement...and there will be times of tears, sometimes uncontrollable tears. I have many of those days. I think that's natural because I know I am a good and loving mothers, who love my kids with all my heart. I believe if I was not this kind of a mother, I would not be crying this much and as often for the loss of My precious Joshua. Yet as I said, this season is not perfect. There will be times of laughter in between. I believe that God wants me to have a piece of enjoyment in the midst of pain. Just enough to let me know that He is still there, caring for me, not wanting us to go so deep into despair. It may not be easy, but I'm sure I'll be able to someday find the right balance between the two. If I need to cry -- cry. If I need to laugh -- laugh.

I will try to remember to thank God for both of them, knowing that all things work together for my good/benefit, because I am called according to God's purpose. I will cry when I feel the need to cry...but I will laugh when I can....For now I wait until the gray clouds disappear...impatiently waiting for the weather to get better....waiting until I am reunited with my son again. I may not fully understand God's reason(s) for bringing Joshua home so early, but there is hope for all of us. Although I cannot deny the reality that Joshua is gone from me, he is not gone forever. The greater reality is that Joshua is in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. The power of faith relies not on what we think or feel, but on Who God is. If He says that these little children are close to His Heart, we better believe it! For now, I will be comforted, knowing that I will one day be reunited with Joshua, and together be with the Lord forever.